The History of....

Murdock's Mama: Just Thursday!

2010-08-27T12:37:00.000-05:00

NEW SITE

2009-05-11T18:29:00.001-05:00

The new place for my site is thehistoryofelllen.com

It is not really the history of ellen, because, who cares? It is just the only way we could get the domain.

Please read and comment.

Cursed Giani Bernini

2009-02-14T18:08:00.002-05:00

I lost my diamond ring.

But found it.

It was in my purse.

I actually blubbered like an idiot. And then I realized how much that ring means and how much I love my poobawooba.

Valentine's Day is bullshit hallmark holiday crap, but I buy into it everytime. Notice the spelling of "by."
Today, my valentine did my bidding:

A cinnamon dolce latte delivered to me and a cinnamon bun (I only ate 1/2)
A subway sandwich and sun chips delivered to me.

He is a peach. He is now out shopping for the best bargains to make me a Valentine Dinner of Spaghetti and meatballs.

I love him. And I can't believe I still feel the same way about him after all these years, because my first marriage....well - that is another story.

I am watching a Dick Van Dyke and Debbie Reynolds movie from 1967 right now about divorce.....I lvoe old movies - especially from the 60's.

Twelve, again

2009-02-03T20:23:00.003-05:00

We had 12, then Baby was gone
11 it was and we ofcourse did fawn

Gone she was, off on a jaunt
I wish I knew where she did haunt

Alas, to kitty and me we don't speak
our languages to us may as well be greek

Glad she is back, ne'er to go
For in my heart, e'er she grow

Giani Bernini

2009-02-01T20:32:00.003-05:00

My Giani Bernini bag may be gone.

Katherine gave me a gift card to Macy's and I took an afternoon to decide what to use it on - carefully. I chose a gorgeous leather tote that had a small purse inside. I love it. I have treated it with TLC ever since I got it. But today, on a trip to Colonial $#$&^%* Williamsburg, it bit the dust. We were having such fun, a gorgeous day.

I reached in to grab a sip of my bottle of water, and came up with an empty bottle. Yes, the entire bottle of water had drained out, into my bag. Everything was soaked.

My cell phone is a paper weight, all paperwork is trash, a pack of gum gone, and my purse, saturated. I literally dumped out the water into a puddle.

I felt Donna Summer's emotion, someone left the cake out in the rain and I'll never have that recipe again.

Odds I'll get to replace a high priced Italian leather bag = 0.

Unless I get my husband a new lens for his camera, a new guitar, a new music player and headphones, and some other gadget or two......and then my guilt will consume me for the things we NEED. And, I hate to admit, I don't really NEED an Italian leather tote with wristlet that feels like butter.

Back to the hippy Chairman Mao satchel with the hole in it.

UPDATE: NEW CELL PHONE IS AWESOME FOR ONLY $29. LG VOYAGER!
GIANI BERNINI BAG = SALVAGABLE.

Before and After

2009-01-31T13:40:00.003-05:00

So, I got chosen to be an Inaugural volunteer. There were 15,000 of us (100,000 people applied). I didn't know my assignment, besides "parade" until I got there. My start time was 5 am. I got to the Rosslyn metro at ten to 4, the time it opened. I walked from my friend's daughter's apartment, about a mile away - it was scarey and dark, and cold. When I arrived, the station had a line to get in - a large group of high school kids from somewhere were there with several teachers and being schooled on the metro.

Once on the platform, there was a 15 minute wait expected for the next train. I was right in front so I just waited. Finally, the train came. It was full. I mean face pressed against the glass full. Nobody could get on. The next train came three minutes later. I was also full, but the crowd behind me surged, and before I knew it, I was on the train, completely on the other side. The energy was amazing. Everyone, at 4 in the morning! was happy.

I got to my staging area, and began a grueling wait for my leader, that was only made better by the fact that it was in front of a Starbucks, and I met new friends with hand warmers! I finally found out that I would be helping people from the metro find the mall and parade area. Then, my luck just kept growing.

I greeted people, and tried not to freeze to death for a few hours. Everyone was smiling and happy and polite. "Happy Obama Day!" "Happy Inauguration Day" and "Welcome to Washington!" is how I greeted people and all of them responded in kind. I had to dip inside a news stand for a minute to regain feeling in my legs, but all in all not a bad time. Then, the guy with free Starbucks showed up! Limos whizzed by, fire trucks, speeding SUV's with flashing lights and D.C. seemed to be buzzing.

I wondered what happened to the homeless people usually in the park where I was and someone said that they had been sheltered for the day somewhere. Hmmm. What did they do afterwards? Dump them back out there?

Finally, after an eternity, and after I was informed (9 am) that the Mall was closed - closed? Really? My leader came by with a sweet deal. We could walk towards the parade route, helping people and she had some bleacher tickets!!!!!!!!!! Could it get any better? Yes, yes it could.

We zoomed through security (with a thorough check) and headed towards our bleachers. Right next to the Presidential viewing stand - maybe a few hundred yards. We began waiting. (It was about 11). We danced, we did the wave. We held hands to keep warm. We took pictures. We shared our campaign stories. We bonded. We saw the motorcade with the Bushes, Cheneys, Obamas, and Bidens leave for the ceremony!

We had a loud speaker for the ceremony, but saw none of it. During his oath, the crowd was silent. Holding our breath. Then, cheers erupted all across the city. We could hear the mall crowd. They were packed in from the Capitol to the Lincoln! The man next to me, Addis, a volunteer, is from Ghana. He had tears running down his face. We all did.

Later, after a grueling, and mighty freezing wait, the parade began. We were spotted as volunteers with our hats and were told we were needed... We headed where we were told and ended up in the bleacher right next to the Pres box!!!!!!!!! Not press, Pres! President Obama's seat. Woo hoo. We were needed to fill the bleachers so it didn't look like a sparse crowd. It was a sparse crowd however. Glitches in security I guess prevented people from getting there. And, people who didn't plan ahead and leave by 4, were not getting in anywhere.

The parade was amazing - well the first part was at least. I already posted the best photo - all of them are blurry, and I'll put up the rest on Flickr later. We saw President and Mrs. Obama - they waved at me! We saw the Bidens.... I got the crowd to shout "JOE! JOE!JOE!" and he pointed to us and said "You rock!"

My fellow volunteer friends decided they couldn't brave the cold any more and left. I stayed on for a bit, got some pics of the first family in the booth, and then headed out. I had to walk a ways to find a metro that was available, and on the final block, I turned to see the entire US Navy band, and they struck up "Anchors Away" Again, I was a blubbering mess, but it provided me a chance to warm up for a second.

Then, the ride back on the metro, I met a family from Louisiana who had been there since 2am, saw it all on Jumbotrons and was heading home. Grandma - a former teacher, and 80 years old was with them, and I showed her my pictures.

The worst part of the whole thing was getting out of the metro station - people lost their minds, and I ended up walking to meet Scott. We went for some pizza, and I started to feel my legs again, and the exhaustion set in. I ended up staying home from work the next day, because I was beat, as you can see from the picture above.

25 Random things about me.....

2009-01-25T16:06:00.001-05:00

tyle>

I am lazy.
I've been to 48 states.
Even though I am married, I often think of myself as single.
I started school early (age 4) and left early (end of 11^th grade) and I did get a diploma.
I went to 4 colleges over the course of 12 years and ultimately got my degree by taking 21 credits a semester even in the summer and it took three years.
William Shatner is not my father-in-law. But he sure looks like it.
I've been in the White House three times.
I own a Salvador Dali.
I've been within 20 feet of Barack Obama.
Yes, I actually have 11 cats.
I find it easier to be friends with men than women. Well, not really. But, men are easy to manipulate. And they are often more honest.
I may be too lazy to think of 25 random things about me. But, I soldier on.
Turn ons: music, wine, and muscles.
Turn offs: close minded right fighters whose name rhymes with daybitch.
I have gray hair in copious amounts that I try (although futiley sp?) to hide.
I love to read blogs.
As I type this, I have a cat, Felix, laying across my arms and needling my arm.
I really think I deserve to win the HGTV Dream home. It is in Sonoma California, and although it does not have a pool, the next door neighbor does, and chances are, they will be more liberal than my current pool having neighbors.
I want a hot tub.
I am considering plastic surgery. And botox. HA! A tummy tuck would be nice after I lose 25 pounds.
This damn cat is heavy. And so am I. Diet starts Tuesday!
I am the youngest girl of three girls. My sisters are a year apart and I am 7 years younger and more distant.
My mom is my best friend. But I hate when she is worried about my bad habits.
I forced my husband to watch Sex and the City. He did indeed enjoy the boobies.
Wow, I actually thought up 25 random things about me. I want to read 25 random things about other people now.

Up Close

2009-01-23T19:49:00.002-05:00

So, all my volunteering, all my donations, all of everything paid off when I could stand in the front row and get this picture. It was so surreal, I still have not absorbed it. Or, I was soooooooooooooooooo cold, that it could not enter my brain memory area. Oh, the Obamas walk faaaaassssttttt!!!!!!!!!

A long time coming

2009-01-19T14:03:00.003-05:00

Last May:

Then in my own town:
And, now, I prepare for tomorrow. I hope I can take at least one non-blurry picture.

Aunt Nancy

2008-12-06T08:58:00.002-05:00

She died recently after a battle with cancer. She was just one of the many very strong women in my family. There were times I didn't really like her, and others where she was amazing. She was definitely the most perfect perfectionist I ever knew. She had tremendous tragedies in her life: her husband, very ill with kidney disease died too young; her oldest daughter, Anne, died very tragically after child birth at age 33; Elizabeth died at 29 from an asthma attack, and Bruce, her second son died at age 50. All of these happened in the last 15 years or so.

When I think of her I don't just think of her tragedies. I also think of her house. High on a hill in a posh neighborhood on the "Main Line" near Philadelphia. Stone and clapboard, colonial style. The driveway was awful. Steep and twisty and dangerous to navigate, either on foot or by car.

Here are random memories: tuna casserole with potato chips on it; Jesus Christ Superstar album and singing along to "What's the Buzz?" Thanksgiving at grandmas and our family had to clean up after hers, grandma's idealization of her and her kids, her dimples, her laugh, her blonde hair, her calling my dad Bobby all the time, the way she adored her kids and was very affectionate, and many memories of paling around with Elizabeth....and Anne - she hated when we called her Orphan Annie.

nuttin to say

2008-12-06T08:51:00.003-05:00

School sucks the life out of me and so I find I have nothing worthy of a blog post to say. Maybe I am judging to harshly....hmmm.

My house is a disaster. So, I am planning a day out today. Ha!
Scott made delicious tacos last night.
I had mango salsa and it was fabulous!
We might get snow this week....I love a snow day!
Scott gets to take off some time after Christmas so we might use our time-share sampler.
He is snoring so loud right now that the house is vibrating.

I've been taking pottery classes, but they are not really classes - more like studio time in a kids' pottery place. I want to take real classes because I like the feel of the clay. I have no real talent at throwing, but I like the process. If all I make are wobbly bowls, that is fineby me. You can never have enough of those. And, since we are broke (as usual) that is what I will give as presents this year.

I told my students that I only wanted pencils if they got me any gifts. Pencils...or starbucks cards! I am evil. Most of my kids are poor so I usually get homemade cards which are the best gifts of all. And hugs....I get a lot of those.

I was absent two days last week for my aunt's funeral (there is a blog topic right there) and I got emails from my kids, and sighs of relief when I appeared on Wednesday.....that was great.

ok, I will formulate a blog about my aunt. stay tuned.

ahhhhhhh..........

2008-11-05T20:50:00.006-05:00

This is my favorite picture from last night.

No,wait, it's this one:

No,wait, it's definitely this one:

I never could have just ONE of anything.
Except my vote.
I am glad I used it on this guy.

OH yeah...

2008-10-01T22:50:00.002-05:00

I will say that pics will be forth coming from the rally, because the whole time I kept saying to my self: "I am soooooo blogging about this!"

Thanks for patience while I only thought about blog posts recently. I was *ahem* busy - setting up classroom, back to school night, all that crapola. Ya know!

Notes to self

2008-10-01T22:45:00.002-05:00

1. Don't run toward a secret service officer under any circumstances.
2. Don't believe snot nosed rich kid volunteers who tell you how to get in to a rally.
3. Don't lose your mom.
4. Don't drink wine and take codeine cough syrup.
5. If you violate note number 4, make sure you have a strong babysitter who will hide the phone.
6. Don't stand in the rain, under a tree during a thunderstorm in a thin white cotton blouse while wearing that oh-so-sexy see through white bra.
7. Unless - you want said secret service officer from number one to let you go on your own free will.
8. Don't bother trying to protect the disabled.
9. Ok, ignore number 8, you know you'd do the same.
10. Don't promise your mom a front row seat at an Obama/Biden rally, make her work all day, leave her precious dog, deal with a befuddled husband, and let her stand in the rain waiting for you for 4 hours.
11. Never be lulled into the thought that you will ever be "done" with being a parent or worrying.

Live and learn.

All that being said - Obama and Biden were great. And almost worth the case of bronchitis/asthma/pnuemonia or whatever shit I have.

History Repeats Itself?

2008-08-08T07:40:00.003-05:00

http://www.teachertube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=b68a5475513a61f02593
This is a pretty cool teacher video on the concept of history repeating itself. It leaves out social history, focusing on war/peace, and it bases its concept on the fact that events change, but human emotion and human nature stay the same.

I didn't intend to get too personal on this blog, but events of late have me rethinking that.

In 1982, I was working at Macy's and going to college when I threw my life away on a loser.
In 2008, my daughter was working at Macy's and going to college when she threw her life away on a loser.

Is it my fault? I thought I had done all I could to prevent this, but failed in the end. I raised her differently from how I was raised. First off, I did it alone - while I had two parents. Secondly, I kept her pretty much in a stable environment -only moving a couple times so she pretty much lived in this house since 3rd grade. I moved many more times, and went to 11 schools. But enough of the comparisons. In her case, there is some blame to be laid down and I need to get it out there so I don't entirely blame myself - or her - all the while I do understand that much of the blame does rest with me and with her.

Three years ago it was a pretty good year. We finally saved enough money to take a wonderful vacation to California, the place that feels like home the most to me. I got to show my family the places that I long for. K was heading into her junior year in high school in a gifted program called Commonwealth Governor's School. She had won a silver medal in the National Latin Exam and was getting good grades. She may now say that it was different, but at the time she was very much anti-drug, calling herself a "straight-edge punk." She had dyed black hair, dressed funny and was hanging around with a couple people I didn't like, but no alarm bells were going off.

Then IT happened. She met HIM. He seems nice, very quiet, kind of mousy and his mom is very friendly. Romance blossoms. For one month. Then, she and he ran away together. Missing for 8 days, then revelations of drugs (dangerous ones) sex, and other secrets. Since then, its been a rocky road. But since the standard of living for her became only that "Hey, she's alive, and I know where she is..." things spiraled downward. I wasn't happy with HIM, but to make matters worse, his family was torn up - a second divorce between his parents, two remarriages, conviction of his mother for stealing - YES! wedding presents from the father's new wife, and all the while, they looked down at me for being -- ahem -- a Democrat. A Heathen. They are evangelical conservative Jerry Falwell loving people. I am the antichrist to them. I usually just laughed it off - and yet they on their high horses need to know that I am placing a huge chunk of blame for K's recent decisions squarely on them.

They are dishonest, criminal, judgmental and extremely dysfunctional. Their son needs to be healed and fixed. And, who is there to throw her dreams away, to walk away from her family and friends? That is right. K. Just like I did in 1982. I threw it away and tried to fix a broken person. And all I did was break myself.

In spite of all this, I still believe she is the smartest, most articulate, funniest, most beautiful person I know. And somehow I have to trust that she will come through it all. I did. It's just that I thought I did all the suffering so she wouldn't have to.

Since the running away incident, I have had PTSD. I have tried to drown my emotions in cheap wine. (some not so cheap) and have come to the brink of suicide and murder (really) a few times.

But, today I can see more clearly. I know that I can have a glass or two of wine during the week and enjoy its flavor without using it to drown my feelings. I can express my feelings here, with family and friends and it will work out. I see my psychiatrist for medications, and know that when I am feeling better it is because they are working and not because I am cured. There is no cure- only coping.

I wanted to spare my child from a life of pain and regret, but I suppose that isn't possible.

This year - at school, I am starting to get rejuvenated and feel like teaching again. Almost.

Suggestions?

2008-07-27T17:03:00.002-05:00

the white cliffs of dover
sheep dotted hills in ireland (while wearing a woolen sweater)
stonehenge
roman baths
colisseum
parthenon
venice
eiffel tower
the hermitage
heidelberg
stockholm
hagfors
copenhagen
madrid
seville
rota
puerto de santa maria
sistine chapel
david
victoria falls
capetown
an elephant/lion/tiger in natural habitat
giza
mayan pyramids
machu pichu
the qin emperors terra cotta army (should be higher on the list)
the great wall and hong kong and beijing
the ganges and mumbai
hanoi
sydney
yosemite
yellowstone
maine -coast of
carmel river beach

these are all the places i want to go in my life. I am just realizing that I will perhaps not make it there - except for Carmel River Beach (and of course the European places I went when 6 months old). What I need to know is if I am now 43.5 and at best I have 40 more years left of travel in me and that as of now I have no travel money/plans....fuck I don't even have a passport anymore.... will any of the above dreams come true???? It would seem that if I work hard and make a decent living I could perhaps do those things....but my priorities are intermingled with the priorities of another human being (and I'm pretty sure his list of places to see would be shorter than mine).

How should I try to achieve my dreams of world travel?

There must be a way.

oops

2008-07-14T10:20:00.002-05:00

home dye job gone bad - again - this is the after after pic after I tried to fix it. The picture really doesn't give the color justice --its more burgundy.

Oh, and if you were wondering...yes, I am the queen of frizz. I don't fight it anymore...I just give in to it and go with it. When you live in a sauna like it is here in VA in July (and August and September...) and you have curls...

The most common definition for Insanity:

2008-07-11T11:26:00.002-05:00

A state of mind by which a person repeats the same actions over and over again expecting different results.

so....what about this...huh?

"IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRY, TRY AGAIN. Don't give up too easily; persistence pays off in the end. The proverb has been traced back to 'Teacher's Manual' (1840) by American educator Thomas H. Palmer and 'The Children of the New Forest' (1847) by English novelist Frederick Maryat (1792-1848). Originally a maxim used to encourage American schoolchildren to do their homework. Palmer (1782-1861) wrote in his 'Teacher's Manual': 'Tis a lesson you should heed, try, try again. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.' The saying was popularized by Edward Hickson (1803-70) in his 'Moral Song' (1857) and is now applicable to any kind of activity." From "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings" by Gregory Y. Titelman (Random House, New York, 1996, Page 154). source

Diet log: day one

2008-07-11T08:22:00.005-05:00

1 cup of coffee with splenda (and a dash of half and half)
not changing my coffee habits yet - although I did get the "skinny" latte at SB yesterday.

I hate dieting. Its a very complicated issue for me. I've done Weight Watchers about 17 times in my life. I think I lost a total combined weight of .6 lbs. I've done pills, curves, the gym, home plans, book diets (Dr. Atkins, Dr. Phil, Oprah, The Zone) and others I can't remember. All of them combined with other factors then led me to a whopping over 300 pound tub of lard, stretch marks, and arteries that were giving out before I was 40. There are other joys of being a tub of lard such as hygeine and breathing and sleep apnea and sex...oh and infertility thank you PCOS. So I was motivated, but after a year (documented of WW + Curves) I had lost 11 pounds!

So....I had a gastric bypass.

That was 3 years ago. I reached all the goals I wanted to with the surgery. Perhaps I'll write about the surgery another time because it is indeed a fascinating story. All I was after was good health and to buy clothes in a normal store. It had reached the point that I had to order clothes online or choose from 2 stores in my town. The famed Omar the Tent Maker (I think someday I'll really have a store called that) and Lane Bryant. So, I couldn't even just have a normal pair of levis and a t-shirt. That is my preferred wardrobe. Well, now I can wear those things, but I have realized that I am slipping into my old ways.
[oh, and there is this nasty business of a wedding coming up and I have to put this dress on again, and I am worried...so before I even try it....]

I don't binge anymore. I don't crave ice cream and chips and dip. I just have a way of finding the most calorie rich foods that will fit in my stomach pouch. I mean well - on my road trip (another story I'll get to) from which I returned yesterday...I had a fast food lunch. Instead of a kids meal which makes me sometimes vomit (fun!) and always feel crappy...I had the chicken salad wrap at Arbys. It had whole wheat wrap, chicken breast, apples and pecans and lettuce. And grapes! It was delishhhhhhhussss. I could only eat 1/2 and that is after taking off a bunch of the wrap part. I called the hubs to tell him I was embarking on a healthy eating plan and was proud of myself. And, the wonderful hubs (jerk!) looked up the nutrition facts for me. Let's just say it ain't really healthy considering I could have just had the Arby's beef and cheddar for less. Oh well.

I do have my addictions: pita chips, vitamin water, wine, and cookies. I like to nibble. Oh, and crackers (Triscuit Rosemary and Olive Oil!).

So, today I am going to be more conscious. I bought a ton of organic veggies at the new Wegmans!! And I am going to make that great Weight Watchers cabbage soup, a yummy salad of my own with pecans (just a couple) and forego the wine. I'm having light yogurt with my own blueberries in a little while.

I pondered doing a "cleanse" like other bloggers, but I don't have the stamina for that. Nor the iron count (a side effect of the GB is anemia). And, alas I am not naturally thin and gorgeous like that other Obama fan blogger that I love. And, is it just me, or is Oprah fat again?

Oh, and I'm also going on a bike ride and vigorously clean the hell hole litter box I live in. That stuff plus work on my school work (yet another topic because I am soooo retarded I think I am smart) and get my cell phone fixed because it died! Oh, and I was reminded that the fancy gym membership I have is not being utilized, so I may have to visit the Starship again soon. (the trainers wear outfits that look like ST Voyager uniforms!)

Ciao!

butterflies and ants....

2008-07-02T08:32:00.004-05:00

Well, I am back from my mom's home in the land of no high speed internet. I am so glad to have my high speed. I literally could play an entire game of solitaire between pages loading - so I didn't do much on the internet. Sometimes that can be a good thing.

My husband is a slob. He says he cleaned up but considering the case of ants we have now, and the amount of pet hair that is clinging to everything, he didn't really do anything. He keeps the money flowing and the computers running, but his slobbish ways are annoying. So, today I will clean the house (dishes and pots from 3 days that he didnt' do, bathroom -I won't mention the mess there, the vacuuming and mopping --something is sort of slippery on the kitchen floor - I don't want to even know). I don't do laundry, mainly because my basement is the home to very large and very hairy spiders and I will not survive another encounter. Consequently, to get laundry done I have to do a lot of nagging and then very slowly a basket of clean will come up for me to fold. If I had the machines upstairs, I would do the laundry myself. Enough bitching.

So, I have been thinking quite a bit of my turning points in history. I feel quite certain that given the nature of the class - the prof is expecting just the typical ones I picked - the sixth grade ones if you will. However, I do get that there are more interesting small events that sort of started a chain of events that led to big changes. I also get that many events include several turning points within themselves. When I teach turning points, I usually explain that when a turning point happened, the course of events that followed were opposite to the way they were before.

In my thoughts I remembered that phenomena "The Butterfly Effect" which is basically a scientific idea, but is fascinating. This guy at this website thinks we are doing it wrong though.

I found a person who believes that some photographs changed history here. I don't really agree that the photos changed anything, but I do believe that they illuminated and made the events more real to the masses. I have seen all those pictures before and usually use them in my teaching.

I especially like this list of books that changed history. I think these did have an impact, and in fact I was going to list Common Sense as one of my turning points before I thought I needed bigger events. I am going to have a second list of turning points to share and I am going to include Common Sense, and The Feminine Mystique.

I also found this great website that spotlights an event that changed history every Monday. It's not limited to U.S. history like I am for this assignment, but is fascinating anyway. I am looking forward to the world history part of the class, I think the article on the Qin emperor is very good. I hope to someday see the Terra Cotta soldiers. Oh, and the Great Wall.

Well, I better get busy cleaning this pig sty in which I reside. On a side note, I am making collages as suggested by Oprah and "The Secret" because if I make a collage about the places I want to see someday, and think really hard and positive about them, then I will be able to go, right?

My 6 Picks

2008-06-26T14:00:00.002-05:00

Ok, so for my new class I have to pick six events of US History that were major turning points.

Without doing any reading or research - just using my own thoughts, these are my picks and why. I have seven, and can't part with any of them.

Establishment of the House of Burgesses

Although they were rich, white, male and land holding, they were representatives and set up the first representative government in the New World. And they are still up and running (now called the General Assembly). And they are still mostly rich, white and male!

Revolution
This is kind of a "duh!" pick. Of course, we didn't really win the revolution as much as the British lost it, but still, it was a major turning point. Of note, the British were an organized traditional bunch determined to squash those rebellious insurgents, mostly unorganized and rag tag soldiers with little experience on the matters of war. (Kind of sounds familiar).

LA Purchase -- that is Louisiana Purchase. I may be biased on this one, but it expanded our territory immensely. I am biased due to my reverence for Mr. Jefferson, but I don't think our country was the same after it as they were before - which is a turning point.

Civil War
Another "Duh." It tested whether we would be a unified group of states or two separate unified groups of states. Sometimes I think we should have gone with the two - especially when I think of South Carolina.

WWI
This, not the Spanish American war, in my opinion, really put the US on the map - the world map that is. We for the first time really showed the world that we had a strong military and strong leaders. Not only that, but good old Woody Wilson tried to effect the lasting peace with his Fourteen Points. Perhaps had the world listened to him more closely, we could have avoided the next one:

WWII
I pick this war because of the dramatic changes to government, diplomacy, and society that took place as a result. I don't include the whole greatest generation thing, although that is nice. Diplomacy changed - ushered in the Cold War, women's roles changed, racism --err the spotlight on it as wrong changed, and the way we look to our government (GI Bill, Marshall Plan) really changed. Oh, and music and Hollywood changed, too!

Civil Rights Movement
When I teach this I call it the Civil Rights War. I set the beginning with the development of the NAACP and the growth of the KKK. The peak of lynching, the deaths associated with Freedom Summer, Emmett Till, MLK, Malcolm X, and marches being the campaigns along the way. It also influenced and was influenced by the Women's movement and the so-called sexual revolution.

So, that is it, what I picked and I'd like to hear some commentary - I am sure I've left off some glaring thing, or included something **wrong** This was relatively easy for me, but the World History section won't be I am sure.

vuboq style

2008-06-26T11:20:00.007-05:00

Good day Kittens!

Ellen realizes that it's fantabulously humid today so the hair is even more unruly. Oh well!
No work to do today, so its a good day for just blobbing on the couch watching recordings of Shear Genius. I may make something delicious from the garden later, probably with my basil left after I made some basil and dandelion martinis. *yum*

speaking of not so *yum* I made a beefy Italian pasta casserole thing last night, but it was too, *cough* beefy. Beef is like that.

Before I make my delicious dinner, the NSHH (not-so-hot-hubby) will be coming home and we'll celebrate our 9th Anniversary! Probably not with butt-secks, but perhaps with some other kind. Doubtful, though, its is too messy and the humidity tends to kill the mood.

More later....
*smooches*

Ok, its later and guess what?!? The hubby came through with the secks!!

...off now for some Friday minty vodka! *yum*

long time

2008-06-25T09:16:00.003-05:00

no bloggie!

I've been very busy. Ok, that is not true. I have been a combination of busy and lazy. Sort of. Ok, no excuses.

I read so many really good blogs (bossy, vuboq, goingofftheshallowend, wouldashoulda, thepioneerwoman, dooce, of course, and many more) that what I have to say is not worthy... but, I am going to try to get over that fact and just do what I do - and remember that I am just a history teacher, not a professional writer with any training.

So, this will be a rambling post of various thoughts. I'll try to categorize, but no promises.

Politics
Is it bad that I cried over Tim Russert? That I refuse to watch Meet the Press without him (yet)?
Isn't it funny (not the ha ha kind) that McCain has an aide who admitted a terrorist attack would do McCain good. Like their hoping for it. Goodness knows he has to hope for something...he's got nothing else. Obama continues to impress me with his decisions. I hope he continues to do so with his VEEP pick. I do admit that I am sick of debating and wondering who it will be. In the words of my mother (she is so prophetic) "Time will tell."

History
I am taking a class! It is just a prep class to take the Praxis II, which will beef up my licensure and open the possibility of teaching in high school. I am even excited that I get homework. I'll blog about that later, and hope to get some feedback. I have to choose 6 turning points in U.S. History that I think are major and be prepared to defend my choices. Oh boy!

Animals
If I total the weights of all the four legged animals in my house right now, it would be nearly 200 pounds. If I total the weight of the poop those animals leave in my house (or near it) it would be 200 tons. The latest resident is Che - the ferret - who may or may not stay permanently. She belongs to my daughter and although I am simultaneously repulsed and enthralled with her, I am letting her stay. She only weighs a few ounces, so you can imagine the weights of the other creatures.

Gardening
There are a lot of bugs out there! They love to eat me. There are even more weeds. And not even the good kind. I am also simultaneously repulsed and enthralled with gardening. So far, my tomatoes are successfully growing but no fruit yet. My roses are dormant for a while between blossoms. Hostas are thriving, as are other things I don't remember the name of.

School
This is really why I haven't blogged. The last few weeks were awful. Not the kids so much, but the coworkers. I am glad I don't have to see most of them for the summer. I am not sure non-teachers are aware that at the end of the year, we have to close out paper work, but also dismantle the entire classroom. Even if we're coming back in August, we have to empty all shelves, walls, and apparently drawers. I left my desk drawers crammed with stuff. My classroom AC broke in mid-May, and so the room was nearly 90 most days. I could barely teach in there, let alone climb ladders and all that junk.
It is also a bittersweet time, saying goodbye to wonderful kids that I will miss. And a time to wonder if I did all I could for those others that I won't miss so much. I had a hate mail from a disgruntled parent, and although I think she is misinformed and deluded, I do wonder if I could have done more for her son. If I didn't have so many students, perhaps I could help more of them....an oxymoron I know- but teachers would understand.

TV
Ahhhhhhh..... I love me some day time TV. Court TV, Regis, The View. And my newest crush: Anthony Bourdain. I love him. He is my TV husband:

ok - that is it for now. I'll try to write more in the coming days and not worry so much that my blog sucks compared to most all others.

2008-06-07T17:08:00.006-05:00

Don't be jealous.....
it was just an empty stage....
no big deal really.

Then, Gov. Tim Kaine gave a little speech.

Then, Sen. Jim Webb said a few words....

then, who is that over to the left?

Oh. My. God. I saw OBAMA!!!

I was so excited, I forgot to focus the camera!

But, I finally managed to get it right:

His speech was inspiring. He outlined real plans, and I was very priviledged to get to go. It was.....historic!

bikes and flights

2008-05-31T08:00:00.004-05:00

You probably already know that before they made an airplane, the Wright Brothers made bicycles. Back then (late 1800's) bikes were the main mode of transportation for people everywhere. Then, along came a little article, “Wheeling and Flying,” in the Aeronautical Annual, in which James Howard Means suggested a link between flying and riding bikes.

It's easy to see the connections:
The central importance of balance and control.
The need for strong but lightweight structures.
The chain-and-sprocket transmission system for propulsion.
Concerns regarding wind resistance and aerodynamic shape of the operator.

Let's look at these in regards to my life now.

The central importance of balance and control. Hmmm. Totally off balance and out of control. Maybe a bike will lend these things to my life?

The need for strong but lightweight structures. Strong? Sure. Lightweight? Hardly.

The chain-and-sprocket transmission..what???

Concerns regarding wind resistance and aerodynamic shape of the operator. I'm pretty sure I am not aerodynamic and I am also sure I provide lots of wind resistance.

So....what started me off on this tangent are the developments of the last few weeks. In the midst of my anxiety/panic attacks my husband decided now was the perfect time to begin to realize his boyhood dream of a pilot's license. So, off he went to the local airport and took a lesson. He actually flew a plane that evening! I secretly followed him there, thinking I would for sure see a spiraling out of control plane smoking to the ground, but he didn't crash. Woo hoo!

After the lesson, he did more investigating and discovered a pesky little thing called a medical clearance. So, a new reason to try to get in shape!!

All the while, gas prices climbed several pennies each day...making my commute a rather costly endeavor -and well, that has nothing to do with this, because my work is 40 miles away and I am not riding there. But, husband's is only two miles away and he might...and that will save money, right?

Sooooo, somehow we decided to start riding bicycles to get in shape. We trudged all over town to find bikes that wouldn't break the bank, and that we would be able to get our fat asses on. We landed at Target and I got this one:

After some adjustments and air to the tires, off we went on our first ride. I haven't been on a bike in years, but just like the old saying...it was easy. Just as I rounded the corner, I felt the wind in my hair and &$%#@$%^! A loud crunching and heard some metal jingling. My new bike was broken! Long story ...but another trip to Target, an argument with the customer service people, and I came home with this one:

And, by the way, this is not a bike, it is an "alternate form of transportation."

Husband got one, too, and we had a nice, although short ride around the neighborhood. My thighs hurt!

So, that Means guy was right, there is a connection between wheels and planes, but in our case, the connection is more cardio-vascular than aerodynamic.

windows

2008-05-26T10:33:00.007-05:00

I've been looking outside from inside lately. Figuratively and literally. On a glorious weekend weather-wise, I've moped around, sleepy, not bathed, and slightly depressed only sneaking glimpses of the bright green and blinding sun. The cacophony of birds has been intriguing. I don't feel like writing about the junk on my mind, because it is not all settled yet, and that is well, unsettling.

I took some pictures at Williamsburg last weekend, and since this is a history blog, I'll provide some historical context.

These are colonial guard fife and drummer guys. They saw us taking pics of the governor's palace and exclaimed, "We'll give you a nice photo!" They promptly posed for us and all the other tourists. Is it bad that for some reason, I couldn't concentrate on the history?

Yes, I am sick.

Anyway, we toured the palace, which was awesome, but I was disappointed to learn that it was a rebuild. The original burned down. Other useless trivia: The first governor ( a royal appointed governor) was Spotswood (we named Spotsylvania for him - you know, the mall http://www.spotsylvaniamall.com). The lovely brick pattern is called "Running Flemish" and Thomas Jefferson used it on Monticello.

Inside the palace, I was all about being on the inside looking out:

This photo is of the front garden while we were in the orientation session.

And this photo was from the grand ballroom. I've been burned out on Colonial history for a long time, and the prospect of teaching it again as they shift our curriculum is not a pleasant one. Oh, it would be cool if I could teach what I wanted to about colonial times and the architecture, gardens and kooky stuff, but of course, I'd have to teach stuff I don't care much about.

We got lots of great pictures in Williamsburg, it really is a very photogenic place. I'm sure I'll post some more later as our trip included a torch lit fife and drum parade and ghost tour.

I am going to try to get outside today instead of just looking at life from the view inside here.

fifes and drums!

2008-05-19T20:23:00.002-05:00

Our recent journey to Williamsburg was filled with fifes and drums and yankee doodle dandy and all that. We experienced a torch-lit night time jam session of drum geeks that was impressive, and loud, and well, kind of weird.

I have not blogged, but I have plenty of topics to blog about:

living with 21st century hippies (my kid who hates to appear on my blog... and her cohort)

timeshare sales experiences (such fun! ha ha -- we did not get suckered in--- well, sort of)

colonial history (I know we're all waiting to read this fascinating topic as if it hasn't been rammed down our collective throat all our lives in Virginia) hey, I learned new stuff in Williamsburg!

restaurants...and gps systems...gas and grocery prices...dog neutering (side note: all our animals are fixed) marriage sometimes can be affected adversely by bad gps systems and hard to find waffle restaurants.

leaving two teens in charge of the house for the weekend and wondering on a Monday evening what that strange odor is that permeates everything....

joy of all joys it is SOL week (s) ......which in Virginia means that the only thing of importance is the fucking SOl tests and making sure that we meet AYP. and like the kids probably now feel -- I could not care less.

Oh...and my husband has decided to use *his* disposable income to take flying lessons. He doesn't have life insurance. Nice.

I now know why it is my destiny to live here instead of the California coast which I love so much: no cliffs with crashing waves and rip tides in which to throw myself.

And in good news: I got a $28 bottle of wine!!! Ain't no better than the 7-10 I typically enjoy.

I found out that Thomas Jefferson (my colonial, Virginian, American, male, red-headed, gardening, gourmand, architectural, educated, liberal hero) has over 5,000 biographies dedicated to him! I walked along streets he did, I touched (even though I wasn't supposed to!) surfaces he once may have touched! And...I forgave him a little bit more for his enslavement of servants. If he freed his slaves, they would have been homeless and jobless in an at best hostile environment. I think he'd vote for Obama (like we all should) if he could.

ciao for now!

my mom

2008-05-10T20:29:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time there was a little girl...
who grew up in Cranford
who was naughty
who was the smartest
who was chubby
who was funny
who was tough
who was kind

She grew up and was still all those things, only add "er" naughtier, smartester, chu(well, she lost the baby fat -see above pic) funnier, tougher and kinder. She raised us (almost singlehandedly but not quite) as her primary function. She can do anything, and has seen a lot of the world. She's been lucky and unlucky, loved and not so much loved. I am quite sure that she is better than your mom.

Once upon a time there was another little girl who grew up everywhere and nowhere, who was naughty -- hell, downright bad, the smartest --but didn't believe it -- but the above mentioned little girl always did, was the chubb--no surpassed that achievement to the fattest ever, is funny, is very tough and tries to be kind.

Although I'll never have as much artistic talent -- my mom can do art ha ha!! And I'll never play Beethoven --my mom CAN ha ha, I'll never crosstich across America one little x at a time, I'll never know the latin names for all the foliage not only at my home but the homes of the founding fathers, and I'll never be as tough and as kind as it has taken to stay with and be a loving loyal wife to my dad for 51 years and counting...the biggest "I'll never..." is the one that is the hardest to admit: I'll never be as good a mom. I'm the best I can be and I have made it the most important thing in my life, because she taught me to, but I can't top that one.

I can't claim it as my achievement, but I can offer this small gift to my mom, you now have one grandchild who has successfully completed one year of college. (Today, well tomorrow actually on mother's day, we'll go pick her up and bring her here.)

Mission accomplished!

2008-05-04T19:47:00.000-05:00

Today I set out to do yardwork, clean my car, and run errands. I did them all in my disgusting, chewed up brown flip flops.

I got them all done! Well, one of my errands was to go to Borders and find a new book – but cancelled that one in favor of Target for some spring clothes splurges. I have a book to read – but I am reluctant to read it. I don't know why. Probably because I am obsessed with Inspector Banks, and Peter Robinson needs to write a new one each month. But, Donna Tartt, The Secret History is up next, and it's been on my shelf for a long, long time. My mom recommended it, and gave it to me. So, I will read it.

I managed to sqeeze in a pedicure, but I opted for the new OPI Chicago style color, and it may have been a mistake. I'll try it for a day or two, then decide. My feet were very calloused, and I was embarrassed for the nice pedicure lady because she was obviously wanting to puke. Oh, well.

The flip flops do have a history – I acquired them (there were originally two pair one for me and one for Kaiti – don't know where hers are) from my dad of all things. He was making one of his infamous trips to Wal-Mart (my folks live in the boonies of VA and Wallyworld is THE store to go to –everyday) My dad will buy anything if its on his list. So, I cleverly put “flip flops, size 7, and size 8, any color) on his list one day last summer. They arrived promptly along with the ice cream and assorted goodies (not wine – don't ask him to buy me wine – but he probably would).

I wore the flip flops to Sandbridge – a hidden, sort of, beach that mostly local VA Beachers go to. It was a sickingly hot day, with the sand burning my feet, and the warm water barely giving comfort from the stagnant humid air. But, Fun! Despite my 4 applications of Bull Frog Waterproof for Babies SPF 6000, I got a sunburn. But it came only in weird stripes where I must have missed some application.

I didn't wear the flips flops to school, as they are against the dress code, but I wished I could. They managed to live the rest of the year after September, until now, with only a few visits to the inside of the house. (My dog, Max, loves the flavor of flip flops). I discovered them when cleaning my car, buried under sweaters, Scott's dress pants to take to the cleaners for his conference last August! And under the beach towels used for the beach trip. Yes, they were still in the car. Along with 3 Santa hats, and several empty Vitamin Water bottles. (Add Vitamin water to the list of addictions if it isn't there yet).

I'm off tomorrow! Woopee!!! Oh, yeah, I'm off to have a root canal. I guess it's sad that I'd rather have a root canal than teach these days.

Adventures in Dog Sitting

2008-05-04T08:25:00.015-05:00

This history of is more like the history of the last couple days in my life vs. something with a real historical connection.

I was asked to dog sit my friend's (we'll call her Sheila) doggies. It was fun, and gave me some time all to myself, and so I took pictures and pondered many things.

Here is how it began:

Just in case you can't read all those directions, complete with check boxes - I zoomed in on the funniest. This was for one night.
Note that Pete should have 3 green beans - not 4, and that Margaret should get 10. I diligently counted them out. Then I put the cut up chicken on the food and let it soak appropriately. By this time, I was thoroughly pooped (traffic was bad, long day at work, then I forgot the chicken!)

At 8:27 (not the 8:30 time on the dog's pink watch), I let them out, and back in. Then, a few hours later I got them ready for bed. There is a whole other page about the bedtime ritual - for dogs -

It was rather cute, as I retrieved the dog beds from the basement to carry up to the bedroom, I noticed something strange: no dogs!

As I turned the corner to the bedroom, there they sat in anticipation of their beds. And here I thought it would be a chore to get them tucked in properly. They obediently watched and waited while their beds were prepped, and then they snuggled in for the night.

Other observations I made during my alone time:Apparently, healthy cereal has some political connotations. What are "blossoms" when they come in a cereal box?? Surely, not blossoms as in flowers?? Scary. Of course, what would I know about eating healthy? I ate cookies with wine for dinner. (Hey, I was alone!)

Sheila is very crafty and creative and artistic, so I used her surroundings to try my hand at creativity: I call this "still life with bulbs":

I pondered my existence with the help of this character:
And, yes, he (she?) was sitting in silent judgement of my dinner choice. Fukking duck.

The dogs seemed to come out unscathed: Pete - in not-so-silent judgement

Then, Sam - who I was not allowed to photograph alone - according to Pete his all time protector:

And then finally, the very vicious dingo-like Margaret who will, in fact, kill you.

curricula....

2008-04-27T14:52:00.004-05:00

Curricular
Curriculum...Latin, course, from currere, to run;

Watched Atonement yesterday. It was pretty good. Featured prominently was the evacuation of the British from Dunkirk. It was a major event of World War II, but American children don't get taught about it. In the UK it is integral to the study of the war (link if you don't know about it)
Recently when I was desperately searching for more stuff on the war to teach I ran across an activity that was created by a teacher in the UK. I quickly downloaded it and ran it off for my students to do while I was gone. I confess, I didn't really read it much, just wanted something quick and easy for the sub to do. Upon my return I scanned through the children's work and discovered that it had some errors on it, namely, the date of Pearl Harbor was wrong. Several of my students noticed it as well. I pointed out that it was from the UK, and my students were worried that the British students are not being taught about Pearl Harbor properly and it is so important to what we learn. I told them it was ok because they don't even know about Dunkirk.

It got me to thinking of how much of what we are taught - what is in the curricula - is perhaps wrong. Maybe even just watered down too much, the Virginia history curriculum (known affectionately as the Standard of Learning) leaves out lots of things I think are important (Douglas MacArthur - a Virginian and General during the war) and includes some stuff I struggle to get the kids to understand: "decreased regional variation in the latter half of the 20th Century." I don't "teach to the test" - I can't see the test anyway, but I do teach the curriculum, and try to enhance it where possible. I have tried to serve on committees that revise the curriculum, but I am usually not chosen, and even if I was, the process becomes so politicized as to be ridiculous.

My lesson plans are checked, my test scores analyzed ad nauseum, but no one really checks to see if what I am teaching is in fact accurate. So, that leaves me with little loopholes and things to entertain myself, such as answering students' questions very matter of factly as if I know for sure that it is the truth -- and you know what? They believe me!!! So, of late, I have been injecting some stuff for my own jollies; When studying the technological revolution of the 20th Century, a student asked very sincerely, "Who invented the internet?" I very sincerely replied, "Al Gore." When studying about reasons for various wars, I inevitably get asked "What is the reason for THIS war?" On my especially devilish days (normally, I say I can't talk about it until it's in the history books)... I say "Oil." They don't question me or challenge my authority at all. At least on that front.

Tomorrow I get to help revise the Code of Behavior Activity Package!! I think I'll have to keep my mouth shut on most of it.

BTW - Do you know what decreased regional variation is?

Teaching

2008-04-22T18:43:00.002-05:00

Let's remind everyone what I do. I teach 12 year olds American history. I use movie clips (ala YouTube) music (ala my iPod) art, activities, and a book or two. I'm pretty awesome compared to my social studies teachers in school.

None of that matters. The birds are chirping and the hormones are RAGING! I could be handing out gold doubloons and they would ignore me. No matter, its not like I am judged on my teaching abilities by boring bubble tests given this time of year or anything. Whoops.

Rescue me!!!! 34 days to go!

My feet need you - just stop by anytime and swoop me up. You can take me anywhere -- hell, the parking lot is good enough for me!

Opiates

2008-04-20T12:12:00.004-05:00

"...had a happy thought. Into the bowl in which their wine was mixed, she slipped a drug that had the power of robbing grief and anger of their sting and banishing all painful memories. No one who swallowed this dissolved in their wine could shed a single tear that day, even for the death of his mother or father, or if they put his brother or his own son to the sword and he were there to see it done..."

That is from Homer's Odyssey, one of the earliest pieces of literature in which there is a reference to opium. When I think of opium or opiates I think of things that people do to escape reality, to "feel good." Or maybe feel less bad. All this thinking was spurred on while wandering alone through the Trump Taj Mahal casino yesterday. I kept thinking of addictions, especially gambling addictions.

It was kind of a test for me, as some people, even me, thought that perhaps the casino would be dangerous for me and I would become addicted to gambling or something. I actually became quite disillusioned and bored very quickly. I can take it or leave it. I was amazed at the people in there sitting for hours mindlessly (or maybe not) pushing buttons (no more pulling the arm) on slot machines. What relief of life's pain is gained by gambling? I think it may be the feeling, however fleeting, of hope that comes before the dials stop turning.

I played Roulette, and it was fun. Except that it was very expensive, and I think may be rigged. I played the slots and mostly just lost a bunch of money without any real fun. Where do those people get all this money to just throw away?? Hundred dollar bills flashing across the tables, huge stacks of chips....I guess I don't have anything to worry about as far as becoming addicted to gambling. Thankfully, I do have a tightwad side to me, which I am sure rubbed off from Scott.

On the long bus ride home....and it was long....and filled with raucous laughter of the over 70 crowd and lots of loud snoring. (I do NOT snore - but the lady two rows back does- mouth open, drooling kind of snoring) I did a lot of thinking about addictions. How do people get addicted to gambling? Or, anything? And, what is an addiction, really? I often use the phrase, "i'm addicted to...." fill in with the latest thing....but I don't think they are real addicitions.

Once upon a time I was labeled a food addict. Considering that food is a requirement for sustaining life, I don't think one can be addicted to it itself. I am addicted to OVEReating - which is eating when not hungry and or eating too much. I am getting better about that, but I do love food. (Who doesn't?).

I do have what I call phases. Phases in which a certain food and or drink or even activity are very prominent in my life. They eventually wear out, then only return for sentimental appearances. Here is a list of my current and past phases of addiction/obsession.

Current:
Stacy's Pita Chips - naked or parmesan garlic. FAB U LOUS!!!!
Vitamin Water - the Revive flavor is the best
Chardonnay - Yellow Tail Reserve
Curry - my chicken red curry specifically
Naval oranges - I even eat the peel (not the orange part of it)
(all of these are in my weekly repertoire)

My current list is much better than my past one.

Ben and Jerry's was a big one. Now, I can't have more than one spoon of it. Also certain flavors came and went as obsessions with Cherry Garcia always topping the list.
Little Debbie I am ashamed of this one - there are no redeeming qualities in them.
Happy Meals Rarely made me happy, although ordering one always gave a thrill.
Pepperidge Farm Milanos still good - but I don't eat the whole bag in one sitting anymore, and rarely have them at all.
Chips and Dip
Hershey Bars - eaten one square at at time

All that being said, I still haven't solved my need for opiates. Opiates defined as things that bring a feeling of escape and hope, however fleeting. I wish I could substitute yoga or something for the various comforts I turn to daily. For now, I'll try to make them less unhealthy.

my feet....

2008-04-15T18:26:00.005-05:00

I know you have been waiting, and not wanting to disappoint...here is the history of ......my feet.

There are no footprints of my feet at birth....my sister's have those of theirs, but my page is ....blank.

When I was little I was reminded that I am one of the lucky few to have had my feet in the Mediterranean, the Atlantic, and the Pacific. That does make me feel lucky, but I also want to have my feet in the Mediterranean again, and the Pacific again....and after a week like the past few I've had...I'd settle for the Atlantic. Hell, the Gulf would be alright. I hope that doesn't make me greedy.

When I was about 4, I stepped on a bee, the first memorable injury to my piggies. More memorable, is the endless tickling and the singing of that piggie feet song ....the phrase..."and THIS little piggie...." makes me cringe to this day.

These feet once sported angry cowboy boots that stomped through the dust and straight into the snow when they left California for the unknown and (thankfully) still untold horrors of Connecticut.

These feet once stood firm as they put a boot right in the ass of that ass who convinced them to go to Connecticut....although it took these feet a few years to get the courage.

These feet have walked the terrifying halls of "higher learning," only to have their owner wonder, what exactly is "lower learning?" and....something about "higher" made them laugh.

These feet walked the streets of D.C. at 3 am handing out flyers of a certain missing person.

These feet have skipped and danced and jumped with joy at the return of said missing person, and said missing persons achievements.

These feet have throbbed, stepped in cat shit, do not believe that stepping in dog shit brings good luck (MOM!) get dirty when walking around bare (IN the house) and are dying to explore different soils and different experiences.

These feet hold up these 200 pounds from 8 am to 5 pm most days with no break and they HURT. These feet have bunions, cuticles, callouses, blisters and need a pedicure.

If I had a paypal, I'd start a collection for my pedicure fund....and I know you would contribute....right?

long in the tooth

2008-04-14T08:31:00.002-05:00

The expression means old, and came from horses of all things. As their gums recede their teeth look longer, so to say someone is long in the tooth is to say they are old.

Well, I'm not long in the tooth, but my teeth are old. And bad. I'm going to fight tooth and nail to keep them. I'm armed to the teeth with floss, mouthwash, toothbrushes, pastes, and luckily.....percoset. And antibiotics. Cliche much?

I have to have a root canal and a crown. I'm in agony, but I have to wait three weeks to start the process. Oh, well. I should have not let it go so long. I seem to always make my appointments for various things last - after everyone else. And then, sometimes not at all. My teeth have taken a back seat for too long. And I'll pay the price, and by paying the price I mean 3,000 bucks....

Sadly, after all that work, pain and money, I'll still have a funky mouth full of teeth. I've always been embarrassed of my teeth. I don't let it stop me from having a big mouth and grinning and laughing raucously.

We did a lot of laughing this weekend celebrating my sister turning 49. We laughed, sang, didn't dance (next time!) and ate and drank (but not too much...). It was nice to get away from everything. Now I have to face returning to school..not a pleasing prospect, but one I'll share in a later post!

Soccer moms

2008-04-08T18:19:00.002-05:00

I am not sure if being one is good or bad or neither, but I am curious as to when the term originated.

According to Wikipedia, it gained popularity in the 1990's. Urban dictionary has some funny entries about them - apparently, they must be white middle class women with SUV's and conservative values. I guess that is why even when I was a soccer mom (literally a mom who had a kid who played soccer) I didn't fit in.

I didn't know the right snacks to bring when it was my turn, didn't bring the requisite lawn chair, never snapped any pictures, and sometimes I ran the field on the side lines during the whole game. I enjoyed that time a lot, and got a little misty the other day when I saw a girl of about 7 in the traditional Stafford soccer blues. I wanted to run up to her and say, "I used to have a little girl just like you." Thankfully, I held back. Although I had fun, and K had fun, I never could get "in" with the other moms. They had the right clothes, the right car, the right coolers, the perfect snacks. Sometimes, I came in work clothes right from school and graded papers in the bleachers. Much to their disdain I am sure.

Lately, I've been comparing today's mom with the moms when I was growing up. We had great moms -don't get me wrong. But, our moms were not obsessed with every detail of our lives. We were kids, we played, they were moms, they did what they did. My mom made me clothes for my Barbies but she didn't play Barbies with me. She sent me out to play, but didn't photograph every second of it. And, she never set up my circle of friends for me.

As I am grappling with the guilt of the empty nest, I wonder if I did my job correctly, because I see so many women who do it ALL, and I was so lacking. I see mothers now who detail their children's lives in elaborate scrapbooks. There are entire stores devoted to this practice. They make play dates for their infants, they put their children at the center of their life, and although sometimes that is necessary while raising children, sometimes it goes too far -- doesn't it? I used to see them lurking in the school long after dropping off their kids, when I taught in a more affluent area. I would want to tell them, "Go! Get a life!"

When we was too poor to have a camera or develop film, and K would do something awesome or perform in something at school, I'd catch her eye and make a camera with my hands and pretend to click. She and I had a special secret - she knew that I knew and was there. Once another mom felt bad for me and took a bunch of pictures at a concert and gave them to me. She was shocked when I didn't act super overjoyed. I've got the pictures right here - pointing to my head -- I told her.

The last few years I have struggled with the guilt of not being a soccer mom - a mom who does it ALL. I ignored her, sent her away, was annoyed by her sometimes, and led my own life. I have beat myself up over it long enough. (although I'll still do it more - hey I'm a masochist) I've got some pictures, even some videos, perhaps a baby book somewhere. I took her to soccer, field hockey, band concerts, dances, plays, competitions, back to school night, conferences....all that I could. I even played Barbies with her....but I led my own life, too. And that is ok. I guess.

I just wish my memories could be turned off sometimes like when I feel like blubbering in the grocery store when I see a brown haired little girl in soccer cleats. I'm glad I did take the time to just stand back and observe her growing up instead of orchestrating every second.

Yard Work

2008-04-05T13:55:00.003-05:00

Once upon a time I wanted a big yard. I loved it for about a minute. Now, its a jungle of weeds, vines, more weeds, more vines, runaway hedges, patchy grass, wierd bugs, shedding trees and roadside trash. I hate it.

Oh, don't get me wrong....it has potential. It just requires a team of people to work on it. I don't have a team. Boo! I have worked out there since 10 am this morning and feel like I have not accomplished anything. Just to make myself feel better, here is what I DID do:

picked up 4 wheelbarrows full of twigs and branches and winter debris
hosed off the deck and deck furniture
raked out one ivy bed to reveal one peony peeking through
trimmed back one bush
removed a small amount of honeysuckle
chased the dog around the neighborhood as he got loose for about 1/2 hour
hung one mini wind chime on the new porch
and most importantly: called a landscape company to give me an estimate on work

I am no stranger to yard work. Growing up we had two Saturday morning choices: inside with mom or outside with dad. Sometimes it was both. We had to be like mules or something when outside, and interestingly, no matter what we did or how we did it, it was wrong. From pushing a broom, running the hose or carrying bricks --or the infamous slices of sod -- I always seemed to earn a ration of name calling and belittling. The lure to go back in and scour the tub with comet was overwhelming since that job I knew I could do and my mom never said I did it wrong. (I suspect I probably did do it wrong, but she just didn't care) .

Never the less, Saturday has always felt like a work day to me and as exhausted and sore as I am, I would feel worse if I didn't work very hard to clean house and do the yard.

Now, to punish (torture?) myself more, here is what I didn't do (yet) and need to get working on:
hedge trimming
weed whacking
mulching
more twigs and debris clean up
mowing (lawn mower still being repaired)
planting and transplanting
painting (shed - porches and deck)
removing the trimmings and twigs to the dump

....there's probably more. Ugh.

t-o-r-t-u-r-e

2008-04-03T20:00:00.002-05:00

A long time ago, during the longest war the U.S. has every participated in, (but we are gaining ground!) a POW used Morse Code to blink the word torture. Jeremiah Denton http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremiah_Denton was held prisoner for eight years by the North Vietnamese. When we learned of his torture and those of his fellow prisoners, we (the U.S.) was outraged. Rightly so.

Now, the U.S. policy on torture isn't so clear. Republican Candidate, former POW, McCain said, “Anyone who knows what waterboarding is could not be unsure. It is a horrible torture technique used by Pol Pot and being used on Buddhist monks as we speak.”

While the president said, "The bill Congress sent me would take away one of the most valuable tools in the war on terror," Bush said "So today I vetoed it," Bush said (March 8, 2008 - Google it!)

Now, you can think what you want, vote the way you want, (this is not an endorsement of McCain) however, think about teaching that stuff to 12 year olds. They watch the news, they know what torture means (have you been in a middle school locker room recently?). They can't understand why the president would veto an anti-torture bill when they are learning about torture used on American POWs. They can't understand why there was not a march on Washington for this issue! I wish 12 year olds could vote!

Ok, after I typed the last line, I thought of Hannah Montana. So, nevermind.

Speaking of torture, for 4 days a week I stand on my feet from 7:55 until usually 4:30 or 5:30 on high heels. I inherited my grandma's bunions. Why do I torture myself so? I'll tell you why......fashion bitches!!!! And, heels make you look 10 pounds thinner!!! Srsly!!!!

Changes

2008-04-02T19:58:00.002-05:00

Ok- so I'll probably pramble on way too long to say that I've had a revelation in the last few weeks. It started a few months back when I discovered a blog oracle.tayker.com - actually acquaintances from www.fredtalk.com, which led me to wouldashoulda.com, which led me to iambossy.com, which may have changed my life in a way. I started reading both woulda and bossy daily. OK, obessively checking them multiple times daily. I love the stories of wouldashoulda's life raising small children, and I love the way bossy writes in general and her treatment of her family history.

I actually went to DC to meet Bossy on her famous road trip. I've been quiet about it so far, but I was blown away. I met a bunch of people who are way too cool for me, yet didn't act that way. And bossy herself is so courageous and brave and an inspiration. I feel stupid for cutting her off in mid-sentence when I saw her Obama button. I don't think she realized the world I live in -surrounded by the religious "right." I saw her Obama button and my mind just went *kapaow* Anywho, check out her blog and read her archives, her family history archives an all comments....then we'll talk.

I felt so scared going to a club in D.C. after school on a Tuesday. Alone. On the metro! I wore heels! And a stupid sparkly sweater! I met a bunch of articulate, funny, nice people -- fair trade.

I felt inadequate sharing our blog: stilltruckin. Not really a blog, but a way to communicate with the women folk in our family. It has been a great experience to write and read our lives. I only wish **we** would write more. Ahem. Nancy, Marianne, Zsuzsi.

Anywho, I found out that blogging has been going on forever, and there is a network of women bloggers and even women bloggers who apparently make moola off their blog! I'm not interested in the money, but the connectivity with other women world wide is historic! Which leads me to my shower the other day....

I was pondering my dorkiness and bossy's coolness, along with shallowgal, vuboq, merrymishaps, and the rest, when as I lathered my wintery leg hair growth for its spring shave: history!

I love history~ I always have - since my very early days here, I have recognized it's importance. I wrote a letter to Nixon when I was 9 about oil and Arabs. If only he would have listened! I tell my students all the time that EVERYTHING has a history. We joke about it, but it is true. I have them tell the history of all kinds of things, and it is fun. So, back to the shower, I thought why not have a blog with a purpose, a theme!!! (Ok, I overheard ALL of the blog women at bossy's gathering)

And such, The History of.... is borne. I love putting e's on the end of things. I have a ton of ideas on which to write...and have started to make a list! Bunions and socks being the only teasers I will leave here. I know I won't have the time or patience (until summertime) to put in pics and fancy fonts, etc. (even videos!) yet, but I have words! Lots and lots of words!

blah

2007-11-10T07:58:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep late anymore. I keep waking up, listening to Scott snore and snorkle and choke, and then just get up. I've taken to sipping coffee in the living room with the laptop and Felix. Sometimes I watch infomercials.

I really want the shark steam mop.

We're going to Farmville and then Lynchburg today. Scott hasn't seen Kaiti's dorm room and she is not coming home for the 3rd weekend - a record. She's been working hard on school stuff and getting involved there which is a good thing.

I watched C-Span for a long time the other night. Barbara Boxer is awesome. She stands up for what she believes in and sticks to her word. Hillary wasn't even there for the vote. None of the pres candidates were. Politics has become too.....political. And strayed light years away from what it was intended to be.

Holidays rapidly approaching. I am not going to be stressed about them....I am looking forward to taking a break from school. The kids are draining me.

3-day weekend! I'm turning the phones off on Monday.

loss

2007-10-25T19:17:00.000-05:00

a slimy puddle of saliva and tears
in front of the archway in my living room
a wail
a second moan/wail from Scott
.....

I keep reliving that moment at weird times.

It was Thursday. September something.

I wailed.

He said to talk.

I said, "I never told her how much I loved her, how much I wished I could be like her. She's beautiful, so smart, she has it all...."

Then the guilt washed over me and I was paralyzed. Lying in my puddle of tears and saliva. I just wailed. Sobbed. Sobbed. Sobbed.

I wished someone would pound a knife into my heart because it would have felt better than that pain.

exercise, reading, relaxing, life

2007-07-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

I wish exercise had more instantaneous results. If I sweat, I want to look thinner right away.

Not much going on here. I am sick of having a depressing/depressed husband. He is never happy - cept when perhaps eating or sleeping. It is like dragging around eeyore -- if eeyore weren't cute and was dead. I am tired of scheduling a social life and activities only to have him complain and moan. It makes me very depressed and unhappy - and I just want to have fun. I know that there are "issues" in the world, but we have so much to be thankful and happy about I just can't stand always being brought down.

I am going to make a list of goals for the week and see if it helps me:
-calls -- temp agency, school
-fax - benefits office
-clean - floors and walls, usual stuff and upstairs, oh, and caulk the tub again
-paint - hallway and bathroom
-look - at tile for the kitchen backsplash
-fun: read --reading 3 books now! Ruth Rendell short storys (Pirhana to Scurfy), 13 Steps Down, and A Thousand Splendid Suns
swim - awesome time at pool last week - gonna repeat this week, hopefully without the sunburn
gym - also going to be brave and check out an aqua ex. class and do more exericise on the machines
nap - maybe in the hammock if the bugs will leave me alone
finish the scavenger hunt - only 5 more things to find.

uhhhh - that should be enough to keep the week going.

Here is what I am NOT going to do:
1. Worry about GD Money.
2. Try to drag eeyore along in my fun.
3. Visit my mother-in-law
4. Go to DC for fireworks (well, maybe not)
5. Overeat

summertime

2007-06-20T12:53:00.000-05:00

I don't really want to get a summer job. I have one for two weeks lined up, but I want to stay home and read and do nothing. I need money to pay for tuition, and somebody needs money for school. It is very frustrating to have a teen home who doesn't really want to get a job. She only pays lip service to it, but if she wanted one, she would have one. The shit is hitting the fan because I am not giving her gas money anymore until she gets a job.

My arm is hurting really bad and I have 2 teeth that need to be pulled. That, plus the skin cancer on my face is getting me down. I refuse to make a list of all the things I should get done. Maybe I will do them, maybe I won't.

Sunday

2007-06-10T08:35:00.000-05:00

Hanging around waiting for Scott to wake up. I've cleaned upstairs, just need to put sheets on the beds and towels out for guests. Cleaned most of downstairs -- our room needs to be cleaned, but he is in there snoring so I'll wait. I shoud be working on my school crap and perhaps I will go and get it in from the car in a few minutes. I've read the paper, had 2 cups of coffee and walked the dog. Decided that I don't need the house to be spotless for our graduation festivities. Don't even need all the projects to be done.

I am pretty adamant that I want to put this house on the market. I really think we'll like a town house better. A newish one. Brick. I want it to have a fenced yard, deck, more than one bathroom and real closets. The ones I've seen also have a nice basement area, with garage (Idlewild) so Scott can have his man room (geek room) and I can have an office area near the bedroom, and then a guest room/kaiti's room.

Kaiti is pretty much done w/school. She is sort of looking for a job. I dont' think she understands the importance. She will come September when there is no money for spending. Oh well. Hard way learner, like me.

old blog entry

2007-06-07T19:10:00.000-05:00

Friday, December 23, 2005

Annus Horribilis

Or whatever the Queen said. I am glad to see the end of 2005. It was a year I would only want to repeat a few months of....perhaps July.

A lot of crap happened this year - and each with their own good and bad attached. I had my gastric bypass on Dec. 28th. The following month sucked with liquid diet, immense pain and depression. I lost about 23 pounds that month. Since then, about 100. So, it has turned out good. I still have trouble eating and can over do it easily and have to lay down. I have some sagging skin, but not anywhere people will see. Control tops work wonders.

My dad had emergency surgery for a blocked intestine - gave me a real scare. Then he went bonkers in the hospital and had to be tied down. Very hard to see my dad as a feeble old man. He has recovered and is very strong like I remember him to be now. He'll have more surgery next year on his shoulder.

Scott had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance in November. The call I got was terrifying and I had to rush out of school. It was kidney stones and he is fine now. A big scare.

September was the lowest of the lows with Kaiti running away. That was a life changing experience and I am still dealing with the consequences. I have immense hurt, anger, and worry to deal with. Depression too. I worry about Kaiti constantly - even in my sleep. It never ends - constant worry worry worry. I try to be hopeful and calm and I struggle with that daily. I struggle with each parental decision. It doesn't help that she is my biggest critic and can cut me to the bone with one or two words.

Katrina devastated New Orleans and most if not all of Scott's friends and family there left. (They are all safe, albeit in new cities with new sets of problems)
The war wages on and Bush is more corrupt than ever.... I think even his diehard supporters are starting to crack.

Ok - so that is the bad stuff..... The good stuff this year:

I lost 100 pounds and can wear clothes from normal stores (no more Lane Bryant)
I have a ton of energy and actually want to exercise
We got Rosie the little kitty who is a dream
All the other cats are well and we may get a dog
We went to California and I could breathe - seeing all my favorite places on the earth.
We spent a ton of money, but can still pay the bills well - Scott takes care of it all well.
Katie was found alive
Michael got married to a nice girl
Shannon and Bobby have a gorgeous baby girl
Marianne is going to go to school
I found out I have a lot of people who care about me
I saw Robyn for the first time in a long time
My classes this year have a lot of nice kids and a lot of kids who need me
We got new windows and a new furnace
I am almost done decorating the main floor
We've had 3 snow days already!
I found blueberry pop tarts without the frosting
I have discovered getting up with the sun isn't too bad

this doesn't help

2007-06-06T20:15:00.000-05:00

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/06/06/missing.teen.ap/index.html

God...fuck that...WHY does this shit happen????

Can't someone abduct some wrinkled ass useless windbag prune instead of someone full of promise??

My own beautiful (actually resembles the girl in the story) girl was at Target recently. It could happen anywhere, I fucking know that. Shit.

I may be getting us all signed up for target practice of another kind. At least mace.

don't wanna

2007-06-05T05:34:00.000-05:00

Go to school. I is tired. Kids don't want to be there either. Oh, well. I will enjoy joking around and being goofy today. NO stress. The tests are over! I'll have to write about yesterday's experience with those later.

motherhood, etc.

2007-06-04T18:21:00.001-05:00

You know last Friday she said she'd be home around 10. I try to be cool and pretend I am not worried about some idiot hitting her in the car, or some other thing I call "daymares." Those happen when I allow my worst fears to come out. At least in my mind. I usually try to squelch them for the fear that even the thought of the thought will make it happen. And I dare not say them.... So...its 11:00. Don't worry. Grow up. She is fine. 11:30. Your'e controlling. Just go to bed. 11:40. Called her cell. Went straight to voice mail. 11:45 Call where she was supposed to be. No answer. Maybe I dialed wrong. Call again. 11:53. That is it. Hit the road, we're looking. I heard the dog bark and it could have been that "Timmys in the well bark." (He IS a collie). Fight with husband who is the angel on my shoulder telling me its ok. Meanwhile, the devil on the other is telling me my world is about to end. 12:03. Still no answer. 12:10 Finally- her BFs stepbrother is on the other line and doesn't know when she left....oh wait....she's still there. FURY. A 5 second phone call could have avoided this panic attack. TEARS. SOBS. YELLING. Why doesn't he understand. Who understands that she IS my world. No, not my only thing in life. Just, my life. How could I go on without her? I can't face that again. I don't know who can. Yet, I know people do. They walk through the darkness and terror that is my "daymare" I am sure they would trade my fury and sobs and relief for their loss and pain any day. And so I remind myself of that, and try to not be angry with her too much, forgive. I have her another day. I try to hold on to each day. Even the bad ones. This lesson I have learned, only by reading the internet and its one-way conversational blogs. Everything has a reason and a equal and opposite reason.

I talked to my mom about it. She understands. It never ends she says. Never. I talked to my aunt - 4 grown kids. Never ends she says. Her kids are lawyers, executives, entrepreneurs, rich even. Still, never ends. Just grows with grandchildren. As her graduation approaches, what should be elation turns to more trepidation. Every year there are stories of kids killed on graduation night from cars, drinking, partying. I can't keep her in a bubble. But I want to.

tired

2007-06-03T09:52:00.001-05:00

the list of things to do around here before the graduation festivities is incredible. It would not be so bad if some people would help me and stop telling me i am dumb for wanting to do any of it. I managed to scrub the porches and the deck - just in time for rain - delaying the painting of the porches. I cleaned the driveway and the garage door, and the retaining wall. I'll need to paint that too.

Kaiti said she'd be home by 10 on Friday. At 11:43 I tried to reach her. No answer at Mark's or on her cell. Scott got mad that I freaked out and wanted to go look for her. We went anyway. Finally reached her a little after 12. Her cell was dead, and Mark's stepbrother was ignoring the call waiting. Nice. I know I am a worrier - but I don' t think I was being unreasonable. Lafayette is a dangerous road and there was an accident last week.

I applied for a job at Ikea this week. I think it will be fun if they hire me. I also am considering helping to write test questions for 2 weeks in PW for 25 bucks an hour. I guess it won't matter how much I make, or how much I spend or don't spend - Somebody (S) will bitch about money. I try to buy the cheapest of everything. We really are just building major resentments. I don't know if we'll make it. Some days things are fine. Some days they are shit. No major highs or great times. The big D is a tough choice and the reality is we are too connected with debts and money.

I think selling the house and moving to a townhouse will improve things. This house and yard are too much for us to keep up with. Neither of us is very energetic to keep up the yard, and neither of us finishes projects. I looked and found some decent townhouses around here. Fenced yard, deck, basement-den, lr, dr, 3 br, 2.5 baths - a little space to do some yard work, but not overwhelming. I know I think about doing this every so often, and I get melancholy about leaving this house. Oh well.

goodbye commute

2007-05-21T19:10:00.000-05:00

because he won't post them in this milennia...i stumbled on the goodbye to the commute pics the old man took, and while i pirate his desktop, (kid is dominating laptop, and I am really toooo lazy to walk up the stairs) I will post his pics. heeeeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeee

Edit: he saves his pics in "raw" format, and I don't know how to do anything. I know he'll put up his pics on flickr, so if anybody cares (not me) go check them out. Meanwhile, the new non-commute life is amusing.

MH day

2007-05-11T10:11:00.000-05:00

So, I took a day off today. Its a pain to take a day off when your'e a teacher. Had to leave instructions for someone else and clean the classroom.

I really need a day to just relax. I got up at 7 and have not gotten dressed. Ate chicken for breakfast, and some peanut butter straight from the jar. I am not so sure sitting around in a dirty house is relaxing. But, I am sure that cleaning it is NOT relaxing.

Daytime TV sucks. I am now hating Rosie O'Donnell who I used to like. She dominates that show. Its gross. I cant' stand that Elizabeth chick either, but Rosie won't even let her have a word in. Shut up already!

I have to go to the dr. at 2. --my reason for the day off. I think I have developed carpal tunnel. In a lot of pain anyway, so I hope I'll get some relief ;-).

I'm making polenta for dinner. Scott won't like it. Oh,well. He got a new job and I hope it works out. I am very excited that he'll be home by 5:15 or so. Our life will potentially change dramatically.

Kaiti will be leaving soon, and my mood swings from tears to joy thinking about it all. I want to make her a photo show of pics of her life so far. I guess I'll start on that today.

I am NOT cleaning. NOT. NOT.NOT.

Frageellay

2007-04-05T08:40:00.000-05:00

Remember that movie "A Christmas Story?" The dad gets the package of the leg lamp and on the crate it's stamped FRAGILE. He says its from France and pronounces it frageelay. Last night while pondering things I thought of the word fragile. Then while reading, the word popped out at me on the page. So it made me have these thoughts which I will now share. (Never write that in an essay, btw: here's my story, blah blah blah - I always teach my students - just say it don't say your going to say it, or that you have said it)

I was thinking of the fragility of life. The book I'm reading is about evacuating Paris as the Nazi's crushed down on France in WWII. The images in my mind were foggy and so being at my parents' decided to take advantage of their extensive history library and look at the WWII books. The devastation of Europe was absolutely mind boggling. Then, of course, my thoughts turned to my own life and it's fragility.

When I had Katie, I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of her life and almost suffocated by the enormous task of parenthood. I thought that someday, she'll be grown up and I will no longer worry about nearly every breath she takes. Ha! Incredibly, as she has gotten older, the fragility of her life has become even stronger. (How's that for an oxymoron). She is at a very tricky and fragile time. Those times when I think things are so good, something horrible must be getting ready to happen. Sick, I know. She got into college - one she likes, and she got a huge scholarship. Two things we've been dreaming about but seemed somehow just millimeters from reality. And now they are here. I think instead of relief and comfort, I feel overwhelming fear of losing even more.

I guess its why I am self destructive. When things are going well, I fear that it will end, so instead of enjoying it, I must destroy it myself, lest anyone else have that power. Also, sick, I know.

I hate lectures. I especially hate lectures from my parents. I would have thought that at my age (!) they would have ended. But then, I remember that as Katie has gotten older, my worries for her haven't ever subsided, but in fact gotten worse. The dangers are greater, the amount to lose greater. Also, she is at the exact moment in time when I destroyed my own life. A time for which I still punish myself. Words of an old therapist haunt me: When will you stop punishing yourself for that one mistake? I guess I better wrap my head around that and forgive myself.

I love that song by Doris Day (yes, and I love Doris Day, too - a secret only now to be revealed) Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be, will be. I love to sing that song and I crave having that attitude and feeling about life. I always think it is just beyond my grasp. I think I'll have that attitude when..... when the money is flowing....when Katie is grown....when summer gets here....when I retire....when when when. When?

For today, I will try to have that attitude.

Life

2007-04-02T16:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, it sucks. Then, something really bad happens - maybe even to someone else - and all the stuff I complain about seems trivial. But still.

I'm depressed. I stopped taking anti-depressants. The Zoloft made me grind my teeth and clench my jaw -which then made me take xanax and wash it down with my fave bev - wine. Then it just started increasing. Zoloft-xanax-wine - rinse and repeat. Throw in some TrimSpa (yes, I have some) and SlimFast and I almost ANS (Anna Nicole Smith)'d myself.

So now I am chemical free (except for the hormones in my food I guess). OH, and hair dye. I even got rid of fake nails.

I am going to make some major changes. You know its really hard to have a pity party when Oprah is on. Damn that woman.

tired

2007-03-22T19:13:00.000-05:00

I am tired of the lifestyle. I work my ass off at work - on the go on my feet all day solving problems answering questions, etc. It's never good enough. And I never finish. I bring home work, but when I walk in to a mess everywhere, I can't face school work. Even reading my book is too much. I sit here w/the laptop, watching TV and perhaps reading. I need spring break in a bad way. I think I need to take a pregancy test. My boobs hurt, I'm off the bc and it would be just my luck to have sex once in a blue moon and it be the one time in 5 years I ovulate. I can't remember my last period. And, it could explain why I am so tired. Candidly, I'll admit that if I am, it is not exactly what we planned for the year we kick K out and into college or real life. I was even hoping for big bye bye trip just me and Scott for a weekend without too much worrying. If its true (doubtful since we were basically infertile and tried treatments, etc.) we'll just have to deal. If its not true, I promise to get on bc.

Why is it taking so long for college notices to arrive?
Checking the mail is getting to be a nerve wracking event.

Thursday

2007-03-15T15:46:00.000-05:00

I don't think another Thursday will ever pass without thinking about the Thursday that she ran away. I avoid wearing the same outfit that I was wearing that day. I think about the days that followed and all the things I did to find her. Today, I couldn't get a hold of her on the phone and I got worried again. Will I always worry like this?

My house is filthy and I don't think I'll ever catch up. Some guy is coming tonight to give us an estimate for bathfitters. I am mostly curious. I need like 6 months off and 10k to ...no make that 50k to do everything I want to do around here. Maybe I'll win the HGTV dreamhouse and won't have to do a thing!

So much to do....yet

2007-03-10T14:30:00.000-05:00

I sit here reading, watching trash TV and relaxing. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Dr. Phil

2007-03-10T14:08:00.000-05:00

So, I tivo Dr. Phil each day, but only watch a little. He has this thing from one of his books: List 7 pivotal choices in your life; List 5 pivotal people; and 10 pivotal moments. Here are the ones I can think of now:

7 Choices
1. To graduate from high school early.
I was 17 and knew it all. I was hanging with a crowd that probably wasn't the best for me but we had fun. I wanted a boyfriend and had none. I thought if I went back to that High School, I would be wasting time. I was already bored with classwork. So, I got my diploma after passing the California High School Proficiency Exam - not a GED - but it basically is the test you have to take to graduate. I figured, and managed to convince my parents that I had learned all that I would learn in high school. I enrolled in Hartnell College and changed my group of friends. Yet, I was consumed with the idea of finding a boyfriend, so I ended up meeting and moving very fast with one of the pivotal people listed below.

2. To move to Connecticut from California. I feared it at the time, but it came true- I'd never be able to move back. I still don't know if I ever will.

3. To stay in CT and not leave. My pride wouldn't let me admit that I had made a bad decision and I didn't correct it. I stayed.

4. To get pregnant. I felt the time was right and that I wanted a baby more than anything. This was a positive decision - and the most pivotal of all.

5. To move to VA from CT. Somehow I knew I had to get away from pivotal person - and needed help and courage to do it.

6. To go back to college and become a teacher.

7. To move to Fredericksburg.

5 pivotal people
- I am listing these as people, to me, who had a major impact - not necessarily in a good way.

1. Chuck
2. D
3. Parents
4. Katie
5. Scott

10 pivotal moments:

1. When Katie was a little baby and I had "The revelation" -- I must make something of myself so she can make something of herself. I must make the world she will inherit a bit better.

2. Deciding to go back to school full time and make it happen - and then finally accepting that diploma.

3. The breakup with Denis. I lost my mind and realized that I had still been looking for a man to validate my existence.

4. Scott moving in. I think this was more important than even getting married to him. The first step was allowing myself to share my life with him while still maintaining my own identity and not doing it just for validation. It has made our marriage both great and terrible since I know that I don't need him for validation. I need him - for many things, strength, stability, companionship, but I am my own person.

5. My grandpa dying when I was 9.

6. Going back to California.

7. Standing up to Mike Williams.

8. Kaiti running away.

9. having bypass surgery.

10. still not decided upon - but it could be the final decision not to have another baby.

I am still working on forgiveness. I had a shrink once who told me that I had to first forgive myself. I still am mad at myself for marrying D. I know I wouldn't have Katie without him, but it was such a colossal misjudgement on my part. I am embarrassed and ashamed of marrying him. Why did I do it?

ok - too deep right now.

TGIF

2007-03-09T17:45:00.000-05:00

I boogied out of school right behind the kids. I had a headache and was sooo stressed out. I'm glad I'm home. This weekend we need to do so much cleaning and yardwork. I am back obsessed with buying a townhouse again. I'm nuts. Suprise.

I am almost finished with my book - which makes me sad always to finish a book. I can never transition into a new one very well.

I hope the weather is nice enough to do something outdoors and fun this weekend. Have fun!! Yes, I just want to have fun!

jiminy crickets

2007-03-05T20:11:00.001-05:00

I found my blog again! I have two - or maybe three, and they each have one post. Until now. I like writing so I hope I can keep up with this.

I am having anxiety right now - and this helps. I am trying to wean off the anxiety meds - down to just one kind. Mistake.

Baby got out for a minute after a frantic conversation w/L about M and then I was worried. Baby is in heat. We really need to get her fixed.

So with everything going on right now, what do I do? Look for a place to move to. I went to townhomes in PW today. Partly because of the commute today. Partly because my house is dirty and cluttered and not finished and it seems easier to just start over. With college expenses coming (hopefully) and a belated honeymoon wanting to be planned, I really am crazy. I am going to put the new house out of mind for a bit.

I am reading Notes on a Scandal after seeing the movie. I am loving it. I am reading slow so I can savour it. I layed around yesterday reading and watching TV. It was great. School went ok - under the pressure of tests and it irritates me.

I feel such ache for Manda. I think only a parent can understand parental love, and so therefore, only one who has lost can understand her pain - and Jason's. My aunt has buried three children. Elizabeth - 29, so full of life and energy. So talented and funny and fun to be around. Her little boy will never know what a funny, kind and unique woman she was. I should write him and tell him. He must be....14 now? I still can't believe she died. How can that be? Anne, so smart and so perfect. She died after childbirth at age 33. That was 12 years ago, or so. I can't keep track. So she buried her two daughters before they really got to have full lives. Then the tragic Bruce. I never knew him well since our ages were far apart. I can't fathom how she (Aunt Nancy) musters the strength to open her eyes. I wish I knew more about the afterlife - or even had some beliefs. I think it must help. I want John Edwards to be real. I want to get a message through. Through thinking of the pain of losing my cousins, and the pain that their mother feels, I still can't imagine the magnitude of pain of losing a child.

I lost my child for a little while. I went insane. Literally. But - as I think my mom said - I had the"luxury" to go insane. Manda does not. Aunt Nancy does not. They must soldier on for their other children. Think of the mothers who sent/send soldiers to war. I hope Manda gets some time to go insane for a bit. Reading her writings makes me think she is doing well, but I know better. I know that when Kaiti was gone I felt a physical pain not just an emotional one. I literally ached. I can conjure that same pain and anxiety up now - and I probably will forever. And it was only for 8 days. I guess I didn't know that then. I only knew she was gone and I forgot to tell her so much.

It is somewhat trite (insert better word) but I feel grief for Kaiti still - grief for the loss of our relationship. I miss her and yet she is right here. She is fabulous and awful at the same time. Ohhhhhhh...to know the baby Katie who only had love in her eyes for me...only to coo and smile or even cry for my feedings/attention. Now to know the pain of seeing hatred and fury in her eyes. Perhaps Manda is spared that. Perhaps she would rather have that then what she got.

Bottom line: It sucks and its not fair. None of it.

Dumbass

2007-03-03T13:10:00.000-05:00

Apparently this is the 3rd or 4th time I have started a blog - and can't remember my user info so have to start over. I have tried for several days to fix this and can't. And I thought I was smart.

I made a great post about forgiveness. I can't find it. Oh well. I remember that at least I am working on forgiving people.

I tried w/my ex husband. I forgive him - he is just pitiful. I actually spoke to him for the first time in forever. He is just sooooooooo pitiful. What a sad and wasted life. Luckily, he left behind a great kid (well, he is not actually gone yet - but according to him he doesn't have much time -- yeah right.)