History Repeats Itself?

http://www.teachertube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=b68a5475513a61f02593
This is a pretty cool teacher video on the concept of history repeating itself. It leaves out social history, focusing on war/peace, and it bases its concept on the fact that events change, but human emotion and human nature stay the same.

I didn't intend to get too personal on this blog, but events of late have me rethinking that.

In 1982, I was working at Macy's and going to college when I threw my life away on a loser.
In 2008, my daughter was working at Macy's and going to college when she threw her life away on a loser.

Is it my fault? I thought I had done all I could to prevent this, but failed in the end. I raised her differently from how I was raised. First off, I did it alone - while I had two parents. Secondly, I kept her pretty much in a stable environment -only moving a couple times so she pretty much lived in this house since 3rd grade. I moved many more times, and went to 11 schools. But enough of the comparisons. In her case, there is some blame to be laid down and I need to get it out there so I don't entirely blame myself - or her - all the while I do understand that much of the blame does rest with me and with her.

Three years ago it was a pretty good year. We finally saved enough money to take a wonderful vacation to California, the place that feels like home the most to me. I got to show my family the places that I long for. K was heading into her junior year in high school in a gifted program called Commonwealth Governor's School. She had won a silver medal in the National Latin Exam and was getting good grades. She may now say that it was different, but at the time she was very much anti-drug, calling herself a "straight-edge punk." She had dyed black hair, dressed funny and was hanging around with a couple people I didn't like, but no alarm bells were going off.

Then IT happened. She met HIM. He seems nice, very quiet, kind of mousy and his mom is very friendly. Romance blossoms. For one month. Then, she and he ran away together. Missing for 8 days, then revelations of drugs (dangerous ones) sex, and other secrets. Since then, its been a rocky road. But since the standard of living for her became only that "Hey, she's alive, and I know where she is..." things spiraled downward. I wasn't happy with HIM, but to make matters worse, his family was torn up - a second divorce between his parents, two remarriages, conviction of his mother for stealing - YES! wedding presents from the father's new wife, and all the while, they looked down at me for being -- ahem -- a Democrat. A Heathen. They are evangelical conservative Jerry Falwell loving people. I am the antichrist to them. I usually just laughed it off - and yet they on their high horses need to know that I am placing a huge chunk of blame for K's recent decisions squarely on them.

They are dishonest, criminal, judgmental and extremely dysfunctional. Their son needs to be healed and fixed. And, who is there to throw her dreams away, to walk away from her family and friends? That is right. K. Just like I did in 1982. I threw it away and tried to fix a broken person. And all I did was break myself.

In spite of all this, I still believe she is the smartest, most articulate, funniest, most beautiful person I know. And somehow I have to trust that she will come through it all. I did. It's just that I thought I did all the suffering so she wouldn't have to.

Since the running away incident, I have had PTSD. I have tried to drown my emotions in cheap wine. (some not so cheap) and have come to the brink of suicide and murder (really) a few times.

But, today I can see more clearly. I know that I can have a glass or two of wine during the week and enjoy its flavor without using it to drown my feelings. I can express my feelings here, with family and friends and it will work out. I see my psychiatrist for medications, and know that when I am feeling better it is because they are working and not because I am cured. There is no cure- only coping.

I wanted to spare my child from a life of pain and regret, but I suppose that isn't possible.

This year - at school, I am starting to get rejuvenated and feel like teaching again. Almost.