jiminy crickets

I found my blog again! I have two - or maybe three, and they each have one post. Until now. I like writing so I hope I can keep up with this.

I am having anxiety right now - and this helps. I am trying to wean off the anxiety meds - down to just one kind. Mistake.

Baby got out for a minute after a frantic conversation w/L about M and then I was worried. Baby is in heat. We really need to get her fixed.

So with everything going on right now, what do I do? Look for a place to move to. I went to townhomes in PW today. Partly because of the commute today. Partly because my house is dirty and cluttered and not finished and it seems easier to just start over. With college expenses coming (hopefully) and a belated honeymoon wanting to be planned, I really am crazy. I am going to put the new house out of mind for a bit.

I am reading Notes on a Scandal after seeing the movie. I am loving it. I am reading slow so I can savour it. I layed around yesterday reading and watching TV. It was great. School went ok - under the pressure of tests and it irritates me.

I feel such ache for Manda. I think only a parent can understand parental love, and so therefore, only one who has lost can understand her pain - and Jason's. My aunt has buried three children. Elizabeth - 29, so full of life and energy. So talented and funny and fun to be around. Her little boy will never know what a funny, kind and unique woman she was. I should write him and tell him. He must be....14 now? I still can't believe she died. How can that be? Anne, so smart and so perfect. She died after childbirth at age 33. That was 12 years ago, or so. I can't keep track. So she buried her two daughters before they really got to have full lives. Then the tragic Bruce. I never knew him well since our ages were far apart. I can't fathom how she (Aunt Nancy) musters the strength to open her eyes. I wish I knew more about the afterlife - or even had some beliefs. I think it must help. I want John Edwards to be real. I want to get a message through. Through thinking of the pain of losing my cousins, and the pain that their mother feels, I still can't imagine the magnitude of pain of losing a child.

I lost my child for a little while. I went insane. Literally. But - as I think my mom said - I had the"luxury" to go insane. Manda does not. Aunt Nancy does not. They must soldier on for their other children. Think of the mothers who sent/send soldiers to war. I hope Manda gets some time to go insane for a bit. Reading her writings makes me think she is doing well, but I know better. I know that when Kaiti was gone I felt a physical pain not just an emotional one. I literally ached. I can conjure that same pain and anxiety up now - and I probably will forever. And it was only for 8 days. I guess I didn't know that then. I only knew she was gone and I forgot to tell her so much.

It is somewhat trite (insert better word) but I feel grief for Kaiti still - grief for the loss of our relationship. I miss her and yet she is right here. She is fabulous and awful at the same time. Ohhhhhhh...to know the baby Katie who only had love in her eyes for me...only to coo and smile or even cry for my feedings/attention. Now to know the pain of seeing hatred and fury in her eyes. Perhaps Manda is spared that. Perhaps she would rather have that then what she got.

Bottom line: It sucks and its not fair. None of it.