summertime

I don't really want to get a summer job. I have one for two weeks lined up, but I want to stay home and read and do nothing. I need money to pay for tuition, and somebody needs money for school. It is very frustrating to have a teen home who doesn't really want to get a job. She only pays lip service to it, but if she wanted one, she would have one. The shit is hitting the fan because I am not giving her gas money anymore until she gets a job.

My arm is hurting really bad and I have 2 teeth that need to be pulled. That, plus the skin cancer on my face is getting me down. I refuse to make a list of all the things I should get done. Maybe I will do them, maybe I won't.

Sunday

Hanging around waiting for Scott to wake up. I've cleaned upstairs, just need to put sheets on the beds and towels out for guests. Cleaned most of downstairs -- our room needs to be cleaned, but he is in there snoring so I'll wait. I shoud be working on my school crap and perhaps I will go and get it in from the car in a few minutes. I've read the paper, had 2 cups of coffee and walked the dog. Decided that I don't need the house to be spotless for our graduation festivities. Don't even need all the projects to be done.

I am pretty adamant that I want to put this house on the market. I really think we'll like a town house better. A newish one. Brick. I want it to have a fenced yard, deck, more than one bathroom and real closets. The ones I've seen also have a nice basement area, with garage (Idlewild) so Scott can have his man room (geek room) and I can have an office area near the bedroom, and then a guest room/kaiti's room.

Kaiti is pretty much done w/school. She is sort of looking for a job. I dont' think she understands the importance. She will come September when there is no money for spending. Oh well. Hard way learner, like me.

old blog entry

Friday, December 23, 2005

Annus Horribilis

Or whatever the Queen said. I am glad to see the end of 2005. It was a year I would only want to repeat a few months of....perhaps July.

A lot of crap happened this year - and each with their own good and bad attached. I had my gastric bypass on Dec. 28th. The following month sucked with liquid diet, immense pain and depression. I lost about 23 pounds that month. Since then, about 100. So, it has turned out good. I still have trouble eating and can over do it easily and have to lay down. I have some sagging skin, but not anywhere people will see. Control tops work wonders.

My dad had emergency surgery for a blocked intestine - gave me a real scare. Then he went bonkers in the hospital and had to be tied down. Very hard to see my dad as a feeble old man. He has recovered and is very strong like I remember him to be now. He'll have more surgery next year on his shoulder.

Scott had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance in November. The call I got was terrifying and I had to rush out of school. It was kidney stones and he is fine now. A big scare.

September was the lowest of the lows with Kaiti running away. That was a life changing experience and I am still dealing with the consequences. I have immense hurt, anger, and worry to deal with. Depression too. I worry about Kaiti constantly - even in my sleep. It never ends - constant worry worry worry. I try to be hopeful and calm and I struggle with that daily. I struggle with each parental decision. It doesn't help that she is my biggest critic and can cut me to the bone with one or two words.

Katrina devastated New Orleans and most if not all of Scott's friends and family there left. (They are all safe, albeit in new cities with new sets of problems)
The war wages on and Bush is more corrupt than ever.... I think even his diehard supporters are starting to crack.

Ok - so that is the bad stuff..... The good stuff this year:

I lost 100 pounds and can wear clothes from normal stores (no more Lane Bryant)
I have a ton of energy and actually want to exercise
We got Rosie the little kitty who is a dream
All the other cats are well and we may get a dog
We went to California and I could breathe - seeing all my favorite places on the earth.
We spent a ton of money, but can still pay the bills well - Scott takes care of it all well.
Katie was found alive
Michael got married to a nice girl
Shannon and Bobby have a gorgeous baby girl
Marianne is going to go to school
I found out I have a lot of people who care about me
I saw Robyn for the first time in a long time
My classes this year have a lot of nice kids and a lot of kids who need me
We got new windows and a new furnace
I am almost done decorating the main floor
We've had 3 snow days already!
I found blueberry pop tarts without the frosting
I have discovered getting up with the sun isn't too bad

this doesn't help

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/06/06/missing.teen.ap/index.html


God...fuck that...WHY does this shit happen????

Can't someone abduct some wrinkled ass useless windbag prune instead of someone full of promise??

My own beautiful (actually resembles the girl in the story) girl was at Target recently. It could happen anywhere, I fucking know that. Shit.

I may be getting us all signed up for target practice of another kind. At least mace.

don't wanna

Go to school. I is tired. Kids don't want to be there either. Oh, well. I will enjoy joking around and being goofy today. NO stress. The tests are over! I'll have to write about yesterday's experience with those later.

motherhood, etc.

You know last Friday she said she'd be home around 10. I try to be cool and pretend I am not worried about some idiot hitting her in the car, or some other thing I call "daymares." Those happen when I allow my worst fears to come out. At least in my mind. I usually try to squelch them for the fear that even the thought of the thought will make it happen. And I dare not say them.... So...its 11:00. Don't worry. Grow up. She is fine. 11:30. Your'e controlling. Just go to bed. 11:40. Called her cell. Went straight to voice mail. 11:45 Call where she was supposed to be. No answer. Maybe I dialed wrong. Call again. 11:53. That is it. Hit the road, we're looking. I heard the dog bark and it could have been that "Timmys in the well bark." (He IS a collie). Fight with husband who is the angel on my shoulder telling me its ok. Meanwhile, the devil on the other is telling me my world is about to end. 12:03. Still no answer. 12:10 Finally- her BFs stepbrother is on the other line and doesn't know when she left....oh wait....she's still there. FURY. A 5 second phone call could have avoided this panic attack. TEARS. SOBS. YELLING. Why doesn't he understand. Who understands that she IS my world. No, not my only thing in life. Just, my life. How could I go on without her? I can't face that again. I don't know who can. Yet, I know people do. They walk through the darkness and terror that is my "daymare" I am sure they would trade my fury and sobs and relief for their loss and pain any day. And so I remind myself of that, and try to not be angry with her too much, forgive. I have her another day. I try to hold on to each day. Even the bad ones. This lesson I have learned, only by reading the internet and its one-way conversational blogs. Everything has a reason and a equal and opposite reason.

I talked to my mom about it. She understands. It never ends she says. Never. I talked to my aunt - 4 grown kids. Never ends she says. Her kids are lawyers, executives, entrepreneurs, rich even. Still, never ends. Just grows with grandchildren. As her graduation approaches, what should be elation turns to more trepidation. Every year there are stories of kids killed on graduation night from cars, drinking, partying. I can't keep her in a bubble. But I want to.

tired

the list of things to do around here before the graduation festivities is incredible. It would not be so bad if some people would help me and stop telling me i am dumb for wanting to do any of it. I managed to scrub the porches and the deck - just in time for rain - delaying the painting of the porches. I cleaned the driveway and the garage door, and the retaining wall. I'll need to paint that too.

Kaiti said she'd be home by 10 on Friday. At 11:43 I tried to reach her. No answer at Mark's or on her cell. Scott got mad that I freaked out and wanted to go look for her. We went anyway. Finally reached her a little after 12. Her cell was dead, and Mark's stepbrother was ignoring the call waiting. Nice. I know I am a worrier - but I don' t think I was being unreasonable. Lafayette is a dangerous road and there was an accident last week.

I applied for a job at Ikea this week. I think it will be fun if they hire me. I also am considering helping to write test questions for 2 weeks in PW for 25 bucks an hour. I guess it won't matter how much I make, or how much I spend or don't spend - Somebody (S) will bitch about money. I try to buy the cheapest of everything. We really are just building major resentments. I don't know if we'll make it. Some days things are fine. Some days they are shit. No major highs or great times. The big D is a tough choice and the reality is we are too connected with debts and money.

I think selling the house and moving to a townhouse will improve things. This house and yard are too much for us to keep up with. Neither of us is very energetic to keep up the yard, and neither of us finishes projects. I looked and found some decent townhouses around here. Fenced yard, deck, basement-den, lr, dr, 3 br, 2.5 baths - a little space to do some yard work, but not overwhelming. I know I think about doing this every so often, and I get melancholy about leaving this house. Oh well.