blah

I can't sleep late anymore. I keep waking up, listening to Scott snore and snorkle and choke, and then just get up. I've taken to sipping coffee in the living room with the laptop and Felix. Sometimes I watch infomercials.

I really want the shark steam mop.

We're going to Farmville and then Lynchburg today. Scott hasn't seen Kaiti's dorm room and she is not coming home for the 3rd weekend - a record. She's been working hard on school stuff and getting involved there which is a good thing.

I watched C-Span for a long time the other night. Barbara Boxer is awesome. She stands up for what she believes in and sticks to her word. Hillary wasn't even there for the vote. None of the pres candidates were. Politics has become too.....political. And strayed light years away from what it was intended to be.

Holidays rapidly approaching. I am not going to be stressed about them....I am looking forward to taking a break from school. The kids are draining me.

3-day weekend! I'm turning the phones off on Monday.

loss

a slimy puddle of saliva and tears
in front of the archway in my living room
a wail
a second moan/wail from Scott
.....

I keep reliving that moment at weird times.

It was Thursday. September something.

I wailed.

He said to talk.

I said, "I never told her how much I loved her, how much I wished I could be like her. She's beautiful, so smart, she has it all...."

Then the guilt washed over me and I was paralyzed. Lying in my puddle of tears and saliva. I just wailed. Sobbed. Sobbed. Sobbed.

I wished someone would pound a knife into my heart because it would have felt better than that pain.

exercise, reading, relaxing, life

I wish exercise had more instantaneous results. If I sweat, I want to look thinner right away.

Not much going on here. I am sick of having a depressing/depressed husband. He is never happy - cept when perhaps eating or sleeping. It is like dragging around eeyore -- if eeyore weren't cute and was dead. I am tired of scheduling a social life and activities only to have him complain and moan. It makes me very depressed and unhappy - and I just want to have fun. I know that there are "issues" in the world, but we have so much to be thankful and happy about I just can't stand always being brought down.

I am going to make a list of goals for the week and see if it helps me:
-calls -- temp agency, school
-fax - benefits office
-clean - floors and walls, usual stuff and upstairs, oh, and caulk the tub again
-paint - hallway and bathroom
-look - at tile for the kitchen backsplash
-fun: read --reading 3 books now! Ruth Rendell short storys (Pirhana to Scurfy), 13 Steps Down, and A Thousand Splendid Suns
swim - awesome time at pool last week - gonna repeat this week, hopefully without the sunburn
gym - also going to be brave and check out an aqua ex. class and do more exericise on the machines
nap - maybe in the hammock if the bugs will leave me alone
finish the scavenger hunt - only 5 more things to find.

uhhhh - that should be enough to keep the week going.

Here is what I am NOT going to do:
1. Worry about GD Money.
2. Try to drag eeyore along in my fun.
3. Visit my mother-in-law
4. Go to DC for fireworks (well, maybe not)
5. Overeat

summertime

I don't really want to get a summer job. I have one for two weeks lined up, but I want to stay home and read and do nothing. I need money to pay for tuition, and somebody needs money for school. It is very frustrating to have a teen home who doesn't really want to get a job. She only pays lip service to it, but if she wanted one, she would have one. The shit is hitting the fan because I am not giving her gas money anymore until she gets a job.

My arm is hurting really bad and I have 2 teeth that need to be pulled. That, plus the skin cancer on my face is getting me down. I refuse to make a list of all the things I should get done. Maybe I will do them, maybe I won't.

Sunday

Hanging around waiting for Scott to wake up. I've cleaned upstairs, just need to put sheets on the beds and towels out for guests. Cleaned most of downstairs -- our room needs to be cleaned, but he is in there snoring so I'll wait. I shoud be working on my school crap and perhaps I will go and get it in from the car in a few minutes. I've read the paper, had 2 cups of coffee and walked the dog. Decided that I don't need the house to be spotless for our graduation festivities. Don't even need all the projects to be done.

I am pretty adamant that I want to put this house on the market. I really think we'll like a town house better. A newish one. Brick. I want it to have a fenced yard, deck, more than one bathroom and real closets. The ones I've seen also have a nice basement area, with garage (Idlewild) so Scott can have his man room (geek room) and I can have an office area near the bedroom, and then a guest room/kaiti's room.

Kaiti is pretty much done w/school. She is sort of looking for a job. I dont' think she understands the importance. She will come September when there is no money for spending. Oh well. Hard way learner, like me.

old blog entry

Friday, December 23, 2005

Annus Horribilis

Or whatever the Queen said. I am glad to see the end of 2005. It was a year I would only want to repeat a few months of....perhaps July.

A lot of crap happened this year - and each with their own good and bad attached. I had my gastric bypass on Dec. 28th. The following month sucked with liquid diet, immense pain and depression. I lost about 23 pounds that month. Since then, about 100. So, it has turned out good. I still have trouble eating and can over do it easily and have to lay down. I have some sagging skin, but not anywhere people will see. Control tops work wonders.

My dad had emergency surgery for a blocked intestine - gave me a real scare. Then he went bonkers in the hospital and had to be tied down. Very hard to see my dad as a feeble old man. He has recovered and is very strong like I remember him to be now. He'll have more surgery next year on his shoulder.

Scott had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance in November. The call I got was terrifying and I had to rush out of school. It was kidney stones and he is fine now. A big scare.

September was the lowest of the lows with Kaiti running away. That was a life changing experience and I am still dealing with the consequences. I have immense hurt, anger, and worry to deal with. Depression too. I worry about Kaiti constantly - even in my sleep. It never ends - constant worry worry worry. I try to be hopeful and calm and I struggle with that daily. I struggle with each parental decision. It doesn't help that she is my biggest critic and can cut me to the bone with one or two words.

Katrina devastated New Orleans and most if not all of Scott's friends and family there left. (They are all safe, albeit in new cities with new sets of problems)
The war wages on and Bush is more corrupt than ever.... I think even his diehard supporters are starting to crack.

Ok - so that is the bad stuff..... The good stuff this year:

I lost 100 pounds and can wear clothes from normal stores (no more Lane Bryant)
I have a ton of energy and actually want to exercise
We got Rosie the little kitty who is a dream
All the other cats are well and we may get a dog
We went to California and I could breathe - seeing all my favorite places on the earth.
We spent a ton of money, but can still pay the bills well - Scott takes care of it all well.
Katie was found alive
Michael got married to a nice girl
Shannon and Bobby have a gorgeous baby girl
Marianne is going to go to school
I found out I have a lot of people who care about me
I saw Robyn for the first time in a long time
My classes this year have a lot of nice kids and a lot of kids who need me
We got new windows and a new furnace
I am almost done decorating the main floor
We've had 3 snow days already!
I found blueberry pop tarts without the frosting
I have discovered getting up with the sun isn't too bad

this doesn't help

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/06/06/missing.teen.ap/index.html


God...fuck that...WHY does this shit happen????

Can't someone abduct some wrinkled ass useless windbag prune instead of someone full of promise??

My own beautiful (actually resembles the girl in the story) girl was at Target recently. It could happen anywhere, I fucking know that. Shit.

I may be getting us all signed up for target practice of another kind. At least mace.

don't wanna

Go to school. I is tired. Kids don't want to be there either. Oh, well. I will enjoy joking around and being goofy today. NO stress. The tests are over! I'll have to write about yesterday's experience with those later.

motherhood, etc.

You know last Friday she said she'd be home around 10. I try to be cool and pretend I am not worried about some idiot hitting her in the car, or some other thing I call "daymares." Those happen when I allow my worst fears to come out. At least in my mind. I usually try to squelch them for the fear that even the thought of the thought will make it happen. And I dare not say them.... So...its 11:00. Don't worry. Grow up. She is fine. 11:30. Your'e controlling. Just go to bed. 11:40. Called her cell. Went straight to voice mail. 11:45 Call where she was supposed to be. No answer. Maybe I dialed wrong. Call again. 11:53. That is it. Hit the road, we're looking. I heard the dog bark and it could have been that "Timmys in the well bark." (He IS a collie). Fight with husband who is the angel on my shoulder telling me its ok. Meanwhile, the devil on the other is telling me my world is about to end. 12:03. Still no answer. 12:10 Finally- her BFs stepbrother is on the other line and doesn't know when she left....oh wait....she's still there. FURY. A 5 second phone call could have avoided this panic attack. TEARS. SOBS. YELLING. Why doesn't he understand. Who understands that she IS my world. No, not my only thing in life. Just, my life. How could I go on without her? I can't face that again. I don't know who can. Yet, I know people do. They walk through the darkness and terror that is my "daymare" I am sure they would trade my fury and sobs and relief for their loss and pain any day. And so I remind myself of that, and try to not be angry with her too much, forgive. I have her another day. I try to hold on to each day. Even the bad ones. This lesson I have learned, only by reading the internet and its one-way conversational blogs. Everything has a reason and a equal and opposite reason.

I talked to my mom about it. She understands. It never ends she says. Never. I talked to my aunt - 4 grown kids. Never ends she says. Her kids are lawyers, executives, entrepreneurs, rich even. Still, never ends. Just grows with grandchildren. As her graduation approaches, what should be elation turns to more trepidation. Every year there are stories of kids killed on graduation night from cars, drinking, partying. I can't keep her in a bubble. But I want to.

tired

the list of things to do around here before the graduation festivities is incredible. It would not be so bad if some people would help me and stop telling me i am dumb for wanting to do any of it. I managed to scrub the porches and the deck - just in time for rain - delaying the painting of the porches. I cleaned the driveway and the garage door, and the retaining wall. I'll need to paint that too.

Kaiti said she'd be home by 10 on Friday. At 11:43 I tried to reach her. No answer at Mark's or on her cell. Scott got mad that I freaked out and wanted to go look for her. We went anyway. Finally reached her a little after 12. Her cell was dead, and Mark's stepbrother was ignoring the call waiting. Nice. I know I am a worrier - but I don' t think I was being unreasonable. Lafayette is a dangerous road and there was an accident last week.

I applied for a job at Ikea this week. I think it will be fun if they hire me. I also am considering helping to write test questions for 2 weeks in PW for 25 bucks an hour. I guess it won't matter how much I make, or how much I spend or don't spend - Somebody (S) will bitch about money. I try to buy the cheapest of everything. We really are just building major resentments. I don't know if we'll make it. Some days things are fine. Some days they are shit. No major highs or great times. The big D is a tough choice and the reality is we are too connected with debts and money.

I think selling the house and moving to a townhouse will improve things. This house and yard are too much for us to keep up with. Neither of us is very energetic to keep up the yard, and neither of us finishes projects. I looked and found some decent townhouses around here. Fenced yard, deck, basement-den, lr, dr, 3 br, 2.5 baths - a little space to do some yard work, but not overwhelming. I know I think about doing this every so often, and I get melancholy about leaving this house. Oh well.

goodbye commute

because he won't post them in this milennia...i stumbled on the goodbye to the commute pics the old man took, and while i pirate his desktop, (kid is dominating laptop, and I am really toooo lazy to walk up the stairs) I will post his pics. heeeeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeee

Edit: he saves his pics in "raw" format, and I don't know how to do anything. I know he'll put up his pics on flickr, so if anybody cares (not me) go check them out. Meanwhile, the new non-commute life is amusing.

MH day

So, I took a day off today. Its a pain to take a day off when your'e a teacher. Had to leave instructions for someone else and clean the classroom.

I really need a day to just relax. I got up at 7 and have not gotten dressed. Ate chicken for breakfast, and some peanut butter straight from the jar. I am not so sure sitting around in a dirty house is relaxing. But, I am sure that cleaning it is NOT relaxing.

Daytime TV sucks. I am now hating Rosie O'Donnell who I used to like. She dominates that show. Its gross. I cant' stand that Elizabeth chick either, but Rosie won't even let her have a word in. Shut up already!

I have to go to the dr. at 2. --my reason for the day off. I think I have developed carpal tunnel. In a lot of pain anyway, so I hope I'll get some relief ;-).

I'm making polenta for dinner. Scott won't like it. Oh,well. He got a new job and I hope it works out. I am very excited that he'll be home by 5:15 or so. Our life will potentially change dramatically.

Kaiti will be leaving soon, and my mood swings from tears to joy thinking about it all. I want to make her a photo show of pics of her life so far. I guess I'll start on that today.

I am NOT cleaning. NOT. NOT.NOT.

Frageellay

Remember that movie "A Christmas Story?" The dad gets the package of the leg lamp and on the crate it's stamped FRAGILE. He says its from France and pronounces it frageelay. Last night while pondering things I thought of the word fragile. Then while reading, the word popped out at me on the page. So it made me have these thoughts which I will now share. (Never write that in an essay, btw: here's my story, blah blah blah - I always teach my students - just say it don't say your going to say it, or that you have said it)

I was thinking of the fragility of life. The book I'm reading is about evacuating Paris as the Nazi's crushed down on France in WWII. The images in my mind were foggy and so being at my parents' decided to take advantage of their extensive history library and look at the WWII books. The devastation of Europe was absolutely mind boggling. Then, of course, my thoughts turned to my own life and it's fragility.

When I had Katie, I was overwhelmed with the responsibility of her life and almost suffocated by the enormous task of parenthood. I thought that someday, she'll be grown up and I will no longer worry about nearly every breath she takes. Ha! Incredibly, as she has gotten older, the fragility of her life has become even stronger. (How's that for an oxymoron). She is at a very tricky and fragile time. Those times when I think things are so good, something horrible must be getting ready to happen. Sick, I know. She got into college - one she likes, and she got a huge scholarship. Two things we've been dreaming about but seemed somehow just millimeters from reality. And now they are here. I think instead of relief and comfort, I feel overwhelming fear of losing even more.

I guess its why I am self destructive. When things are going well, I fear that it will end, so instead of enjoying it, I must destroy it myself, lest anyone else have that power. Also, sick, I know.

I hate lectures. I especially hate lectures from my parents. I would have thought that at my age (!) they would have ended. But then, I remember that as Katie has gotten older, my worries for her haven't ever subsided, but in fact gotten worse. The dangers are greater, the amount to lose greater. Also, she is at the exact moment in time when I destroyed my own life. A time for which I still punish myself. Words of an old therapist haunt me: When will you stop punishing yourself for that one mistake? I guess I better wrap my head around that and forgive myself.

I love that song by Doris Day (yes, and I love Doris Day, too - a secret only now to be revealed) Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be, will be. I love to sing that song and I crave having that attitude and feeling about life. I always think it is just beyond my grasp. I think I'll have that attitude when..... when the money is flowing....when Katie is grown....when summer gets here....when I retire....when when when. When?

For today, I will try to have that attitude.

Life

Sometimes, it sucks. Then, something really bad happens - maybe even to someone else - and all the stuff I complain about seems trivial. But still.

I'm depressed. I stopped taking anti-depressants. The Zoloft made me grind my teeth and clench my jaw -which then made me take xanax and wash it down with my fave bev - wine. Then it just started increasing. Zoloft-xanax-wine - rinse and repeat. Throw in some TrimSpa (yes, I have some) and SlimFast and I almost ANS (Anna Nicole Smith)'d myself.

So now I am chemical free (except for the hormones in my food I guess). OH, and hair dye. I even got rid of fake nails.

I am going to make some major changes. You know its really hard to have a pity party when Oprah is on. Damn that woman.

tired

I am tired of the lifestyle. I work my ass off at work - on the go on my feet all day solving problems answering questions, etc. It's never good enough. And I never finish. I bring home work, but when I walk in to a mess everywhere, I can't face school work. Even reading my book is too much. I sit here w/the laptop, watching TV and perhaps reading. I need spring break in a bad way. I think I need to take a pregancy test. My boobs hurt, I'm off the bc and it would be just my luck to have sex once in a blue moon and it be the one time in 5 years I ovulate. I can't remember my last period. And, it could explain why I am so tired. Candidly, I'll admit that if I am, it is not exactly what we planned for the year we kick K out and into college or real life. I was even hoping for big bye bye trip just me and Scott for a weekend without too much worrying. If its true (doubtful since we were basically infertile and tried treatments, etc.) we'll just have to deal. If its not true, I promise to get on bc.

Why is it taking so long for college notices to arrive?
Checking the mail is getting to be a nerve wracking event.

Thursday

I don't think another Thursday will ever pass without thinking about the Thursday that she ran away. I avoid wearing the same outfit that I was wearing that day. I think about the days that followed and all the things I did to find her. Today, I couldn't get a hold of her on the phone and I got worried again. Will I always worry like this?

My house is filthy and I don't think I'll ever catch up. Some guy is coming tonight to give us an estimate for bathfitters. I am mostly curious. I need like 6 months off and 10k to ...no make that 50k to do everything I want to do around here. Maybe I'll win the HGTV dreamhouse and won't have to do a thing!

So much to do....yet

I sit here reading, watching trash TV and relaxing. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Dr. Phil

So, I tivo Dr. Phil each day, but only watch a little. He has this thing from one of his books: List 7 pivotal choices in your life; List 5 pivotal people; and 10 pivotal moments. Here are the ones I can think of now:

7 Choices
1. To graduate from high school early.
I was 17 and knew it all. I was hanging with a crowd that probably wasn't the best for me but we had fun. I wanted a boyfriend and had none. I thought if I went back to that High School, I would be wasting time. I was already bored with classwork. So, I got my diploma after passing the California High School Proficiency Exam - not a GED - but it basically is the test you have to take to graduate. I figured, and managed to convince my parents that I had learned all that I would learn in high school. I enrolled in Hartnell College and changed my group of friends. Yet, I was consumed with the idea of finding a boyfriend, so I ended up meeting and moving very fast with one of the pivotal people listed below.

2. To move to Connecticut from California. I feared it at the time, but it came true- I'd never be able to move back. I still don't know if I ever will.

3. To stay in CT and not leave. My pride wouldn't let me admit that I had made a bad decision and I didn't correct it. I stayed.

4. To get pregnant. I felt the time was right and that I wanted a baby more than anything. This was a positive decision - and the most pivotal of all.

5. To move to VA from CT. Somehow I knew I had to get away from pivotal person - and needed help and courage to do it.

6. To go back to college and become a teacher.

7. To move to Fredericksburg.


5 pivotal people
- I am listing these as people, to me, who had a major impact - not necessarily in a good way.

1. Chuck
2. D
3. Parents
4. Katie
5. Scott

10 pivotal moments:

1. When Katie was a little baby and I had "The revelation" -- I must make something of myself so she can make something of herself. I must make the world she will inherit a bit better.

2. Deciding to go back to school full time and make it happen - and then finally accepting that diploma.

3. The breakup with Denis. I lost my mind and realized that I had still been looking for a man to validate my existence.

4. Scott moving in. I think this was more important than even getting married to him. The first step was allowing myself to share my life with him while still maintaining my own identity and not doing it just for validation. It has made our marriage both great and terrible since I know that I don't need him for validation. I need him - for many things, strength, stability, companionship, but I am my own person.

5. My grandpa dying when I was 9.

6. Going back to California.

7. Standing up to Mike Williams.

8. Kaiti running away.

9. having bypass surgery.

10. still not decided upon - but it could be the final decision not to have another baby.




I am still working on forgiveness. I had a shrink once who told me that I had to first forgive myself. I still am mad at myself for marrying D. I know I wouldn't have Katie without him, but it was such a colossal misjudgement on my part. I am embarrassed and ashamed of marrying him. Why did I do it?

ok - too deep right now.

TGIF

I boogied out of school right behind the kids. I had a headache and was sooo stressed out. I'm glad I'm home. This weekend we need to do so much cleaning and yardwork. I am back obsessed with buying a townhouse again. I'm nuts. Suprise.

I am almost finished with my book - which makes me sad always to finish a book. I can never transition into a new one very well.

I hope the weather is nice enough to do something outdoors and fun this weekend. Have fun!! Yes, I just want to have fun!

jiminy crickets

I found my blog again! I have two - or maybe three, and they each have one post. Until now. I like writing so I hope I can keep up with this.

I am having anxiety right now - and this helps. I am trying to wean off the anxiety meds - down to just one kind. Mistake.

Baby got out for a minute after a frantic conversation w/L about M and then I was worried. Baby is in heat. We really need to get her fixed.

So with everything going on right now, what do I do? Look for a place to move to. I went to townhomes in PW today. Partly because of the commute today. Partly because my house is dirty and cluttered and not finished and it seems easier to just start over. With college expenses coming (hopefully) and a belated honeymoon wanting to be planned, I really am crazy. I am going to put the new house out of mind for a bit.

I am reading Notes on a Scandal after seeing the movie. I am loving it. I am reading slow so I can savour it. I layed around yesterday reading and watching TV. It was great. School went ok - under the pressure of tests and it irritates me.

I feel such ache for Manda. I think only a parent can understand parental love, and so therefore, only one who has lost can understand her pain - and Jason's. My aunt has buried three children. Elizabeth - 29, so full of life and energy. So talented and funny and fun to be around. Her little boy will never know what a funny, kind and unique woman she was. I should write him and tell him. He must be....14 now? I still can't believe she died. How can that be? Anne, so smart and so perfect. She died after childbirth at age 33. That was 12 years ago, or so. I can't keep track. So she buried her two daughters before they really got to have full lives. Then the tragic Bruce. I never knew him well since our ages were far apart. I can't fathom how she (Aunt Nancy) musters the strength to open her eyes. I wish I knew more about the afterlife - or even had some beliefs. I think it must help. I want John Edwards to be real. I want to get a message through. Through thinking of the pain of losing my cousins, and the pain that their mother feels, I still can't imagine the magnitude of pain of losing a child.

I lost my child for a little while. I went insane. Literally. But - as I think my mom said - I had the"luxury" to go insane. Manda does not. Aunt Nancy does not. They must soldier on for their other children. Think of the mothers who sent/send soldiers to war. I hope Manda gets some time to go insane for a bit. Reading her writings makes me think she is doing well, but I know better. I know that when Kaiti was gone I felt a physical pain not just an emotional one. I literally ached. I can conjure that same pain and anxiety up now - and I probably will forever. And it was only for 8 days. I guess I didn't know that then. I only knew she was gone and I forgot to tell her so much.

It is somewhat trite (insert better word) but I feel grief for Kaiti still - grief for the loss of our relationship. I miss her and yet she is right here. She is fabulous and awful at the same time. Ohhhhhhh...to know the baby Katie who only had love in her eyes for me...only to coo and smile or even cry for my feedings/attention. Now to know the pain of seeing hatred and fury in her eyes. Perhaps Manda is spared that. Perhaps she would rather have that then what she got.

Bottom line: It sucks and its not fair. None of it.

Dumbass

Apparently this is the 3rd or 4th time I have started a blog - and can't remember my user info so have to start over. I have tried for several days to fix this and can't. And I thought I was smart.

I made a great post about forgiveness. I can't find it. Oh well. I remember that at least I am working on forgiving people.

I tried w/my ex husband. I forgive him - he is just pitiful. I actually spoke to him for the first time in forever. He is just sooooooooo pitiful. What a sad and wasted life. Luckily, he left behind a great kid (well, he is not actually gone yet - but according to him he doesn't have much time -- yeah right.)