I am tired of the lifestyle. I work my ass off at work - on the go on my feet all day solving problems answering questions, etc. It's never good enough. And I never finish. I bring home work, but when I walk in to a mess everywhere, I can't face school work. Even reading my book is too much. I sit here w/the laptop, watching TV and perhaps reading. I need spring break in a bad way. I think I need to take a pregancy test. My boobs hurt, I'm off the bc and it would be just my luck to have sex once in a blue moon and it be the one time in 5 years I ovulate. I can't remember my last period. And, it could explain why I am so tired. Candidly, I'll admit that if I am, it is not exactly what we planned for the year we kick K out and into college or real life. I was even hoping for big bye bye trip just me and Scott for a weekend without too much worrying. If its true (doubtful since we were basically infertile and tried treatments, etc.) we'll just have to deal. If its not true, I promise to get on bc.
Why is it taking so long for college notices to arrive?
Checking the mail is getting to be a nerve wracking event.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Thursday
I don't think another Thursday will ever pass without thinking about the Thursday that she ran away. I avoid wearing the same outfit that I was wearing that day. I think about the days that followed and all the things I did to find her. Today, I couldn't get a hold of her on the phone and I got worried again. Will I always worry like this?
My house is filthy and I don't think I'll ever catch up. Some guy is coming tonight to give us an estimate for bathfitters. I am mostly curious. I need like 6 months off and 10k to ...no make that 50k to do everything I want to do around here. Maybe I'll win the HGTV dreamhouse and won't have to do a thing!
My house is filthy and I don't think I'll ever catch up. Some guy is coming tonight to give us an estimate for bathfitters. I am mostly curious. I need like 6 months off and 10k to ...no make that 50k to do everything I want to do around here. Maybe I'll win the HGTV dreamhouse and won't have to do a thing!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
So much to do....yet
I sit here reading, watching trash TV and relaxing. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Dr. Phil
So, I tivo Dr. Phil each day, but only watch a little. He has this thing from one of his books: List 7 pivotal choices in your life; List 5 pivotal people; and 10 pivotal moments. Here are the ones I can think of now:
7 Choices
1. To graduate from high school early.
I was 17 and knew it all. I was hanging with a crowd that probably wasn't the best for me but we had fun. I wanted a boyfriend and had none. I thought if I went back to that High School, I would be wasting time. I was already bored with classwork. So, I got my diploma after passing the California High School Proficiency Exam - not a GED - but it basically is the test you have to take to graduate. I figured, and managed to convince my parents that I had learned all that I would learn in high school. I enrolled in Hartnell College and changed my group of friends. Yet, I was consumed with the idea of finding a boyfriend, so I ended up meeting and moving very fast with one of the pivotal people listed below.
2. To move to Connecticut from California. I feared it at the time, but it came true- I'd never be able to move back. I still don't know if I ever will.
3. To stay in CT and not leave. My pride wouldn't let me admit that I had made a bad decision and I didn't correct it. I stayed.
4. To get pregnant. I felt the time was right and that I wanted a baby more than anything. This was a positive decision - and the most pivotal of all.
5. To move to VA from CT. Somehow I knew I had to get away from pivotal person - and needed help and courage to do it.
6. To go back to college and become a teacher.
7. To move to Fredericksburg.
5 pivotal people
- I am listing these as people, to me, who had a major impact - not necessarily in a good way.
1. Chuck
2. D
3. Parents
4. Katie
5. Scott
10 pivotal moments:
1. When Katie was a little baby and I had "The revelation" -- I must make something of myself so she can make something of herself. I must make the world she will inherit a bit better.
2. Deciding to go back to school full time and make it happen - and then finally accepting that diploma.
3. The breakup with Denis. I lost my mind and realized that I had still been looking for a man to validate my existence.
4. Scott moving in. I think this was more important than even getting married to him. The first step was allowing myself to share my life with him while still maintaining my own identity and not doing it just for validation. It has made our marriage both great and terrible since I know that I don't need him for validation. I need him - for many things, strength, stability, companionship, but I am my own person.
5. My grandpa dying when I was 9.
6. Going back to California.
7. Standing up to Mike Williams.
8. Kaiti running away.
9. having bypass surgery.
10. still not decided upon - but it could be the final decision not to have another baby.
I am still working on forgiveness. I had a shrink once who told me that I had to first forgive myself. I still am mad at myself for marrying D. I know I wouldn't have Katie without him, but it was such a colossal misjudgement on my part. I am embarrassed and ashamed of marrying him. Why did I do it?
ok - too deep right now.
7 Choices
1. To graduate from high school early.
I was 17 and knew it all. I was hanging with a crowd that probably wasn't the best for me but we had fun. I wanted a boyfriend and had none. I thought if I went back to that High School, I would be wasting time. I was already bored with classwork. So, I got my diploma after passing the California High School Proficiency Exam - not a GED - but it basically is the test you have to take to graduate. I figured, and managed to convince my parents that I had learned all that I would learn in high school. I enrolled in Hartnell College and changed my group of friends. Yet, I was consumed with the idea of finding a boyfriend, so I ended up meeting and moving very fast with one of the pivotal people listed below.
2. To move to Connecticut from California. I feared it at the time, but it came true- I'd never be able to move back. I still don't know if I ever will.
3. To stay in CT and not leave. My pride wouldn't let me admit that I had made a bad decision and I didn't correct it. I stayed.
4. To get pregnant. I felt the time was right and that I wanted a baby more than anything. This was a positive decision - and the most pivotal of all.
5. To move to VA from CT. Somehow I knew I had to get away from pivotal person - and needed help and courage to do it.
6. To go back to college and become a teacher.
7. To move to Fredericksburg.
5 pivotal people
- I am listing these as people, to me, who had a major impact - not necessarily in a good way.
1. Chuck
2. D
3. Parents
4. Katie
5. Scott
10 pivotal moments:
1. When Katie was a little baby and I had "The revelation" -- I must make something of myself so she can make something of herself. I must make the world she will inherit a bit better.
2. Deciding to go back to school full time and make it happen - and then finally accepting that diploma.
3. The breakup with Denis. I lost my mind and realized that I had still been looking for a man to validate my existence.
4. Scott moving in. I think this was more important than even getting married to him. The first step was allowing myself to share my life with him while still maintaining my own identity and not doing it just for validation. It has made our marriage both great and terrible since I know that I don't need him for validation. I need him - for many things, strength, stability, companionship, but I am my own person.
5. My grandpa dying when I was 9.
6. Going back to California.
7. Standing up to Mike Williams.
8. Kaiti running away.
9. having bypass surgery.
10. still not decided upon - but it could be the final decision not to have another baby.
I am still working on forgiveness. I had a shrink once who told me that I had to first forgive myself. I still am mad at myself for marrying D. I know I wouldn't have Katie without him, but it was such a colossal misjudgement on my part. I am embarrassed and ashamed of marrying him. Why did I do it?
ok - too deep right now.
Friday, March 09, 2007
TGIF
I boogied out of school right behind the kids. I had a headache and was sooo stressed out. I'm glad I'm home. This weekend we need to do so much cleaning and yardwork. I am back obsessed with buying a townhouse again. I'm nuts. Suprise.
I am almost finished with my book - which makes me sad always to finish a book. I can never transition into a new one very well.
I hope the weather is nice enough to do something outdoors and fun this weekend. Have fun!! Yes, I just want to have fun!
I am almost finished with my book - which makes me sad always to finish a book. I can never transition into a new one very well.
I hope the weather is nice enough to do something outdoors and fun this weekend. Have fun!! Yes, I just want to have fun!
Monday, March 05, 2007
jiminy crickets
I found my blog again! I have two - or maybe three, and they each have one post. Until now. I like writing so I hope I can keep up with this.
I am having anxiety right now - and this helps. I am trying to wean off the anxiety meds - down to just one kind. Mistake.
Baby got out for a minute after a frantic conversation w/L about M and then I was worried. Baby is in heat. We really need to get her fixed.
So with everything going on right now, what do I do? Look for a place to move to. I went to townhomes in PW today. Partly because of the commute today. Partly because my house is dirty and cluttered and not finished and it seems easier to just start over. With college expenses coming (hopefully) and a belated honeymoon wanting to be planned, I really am crazy. I am going to put the new house out of mind for a bit.
I am reading Notes on a Scandal after seeing the movie. I am loving it. I am reading slow so I can savour it. I layed around yesterday reading and watching TV. It was great. School went ok - under the pressure of tests and it irritates me.
I feel such ache for Manda. I think only a parent can understand parental love, and so therefore, only one who has lost can understand her pain - and Jason's. My aunt has buried three children. Elizabeth - 29, so full of life and energy. So talented and funny and fun to be around. Her little boy will never know what a funny, kind and unique woman she was. I should write him and tell him. He must be....14 now? I still can't believe she died. How can that be? Anne, so smart and so perfect. She died after childbirth at age 33. That was 12 years ago, or so. I can't keep track. So she buried her two daughters before they really got to have full lives. Then the tragic Bruce. I never knew him well since our ages were far apart. I can't fathom how she (Aunt Nancy) musters the strength to open her eyes. I wish I knew more about the afterlife - or even had some beliefs. I think it must help. I want John Edwards to be real. I want to get a message through. Through thinking of the pain of losing my cousins, and the pain that their mother feels, I still can't imagine the magnitude of pain of losing a child.
I lost my child for a little while. I went insane. Literally. But - as I think my mom said - I had the"luxury" to go insane. Manda does not. Aunt Nancy does not. They must soldier on for their other children. Think of the mothers who sent/send soldiers to war. I hope Manda gets some time to go insane for a bit. Reading her writings makes me think she is doing well, but I know better. I know that when Kaiti was gone I felt a physical pain not just an emotional one. I literally ached. I can conjure that same pain and anxiety up now - and I probably will forever. And it was only for 8 days. I guess I didn't know that then. I only knew she was gone and I forgot to tell her so much.
It is somewhat trite (insert better word) but I feel grief for Kaiti still - grief for the loss of our relationship. I miss her and yet she is right here. She is fabulous and awful at the same time. Ohhhhhhh...to know the baby Katie who only had love in her eyes for me...only to coo and smile or even cry for my feedings/attention. Now to know the pain of seeing hatred and fury in her eyes. Perhaps Manda is spared that. Perhaps she would rather have that then what she got.
Bottom line: It sucks and its not fair. None of it.
I am having anxiety right now - and this helps. I am trying to wean off the anxiety meds - down to just one kind. Mistake.
Baby got out for a minute after a frantic conversation w/L about M and then I was worried. Baby is in heat. We really need to get her fixed.
So with everything going on right now, what do I do? Look for a place to move to. I went to townhomes in PW today. Partly because of the commute today. Partly because my house is dirty and cluttered and not finished and it seems easier to just start over. With college expenses coming (hopefully) and a belated honeymoon wanting to be planned, I really am crazy. I am going to put the new house out of mind for a bit.
I am reading Notes on a Scandal after seeing the movie. I am loving it. I am reading slow so I can savour it. I layed around yesterday reading and watching TV. It was great. School went ok - under the pressure of tests and it irritates me.
I feel such ache for Manda. I think only a parent can understand parental love, and so therefore, only one who has lost can understand her pain - and Jason's. My aunt has buried three children. Elizabeth - 29, so full of life and energy. So talented and funny and fun to be around. Her little boy will never know what a funny, kind and unique woman she was. I should write him and tell him. He must be....14 now? I still can't believe she died. How can that be? Anne, so smart and so perfect. She died after childbirth at age 33. That was 12 years ago, or so. I can't keep track. So she buried her two daughters before they really got to have full lives. Then the tragic Bruce. I never knew him well since our ages were far apart. I can't fathom how she (Aunt Nancy) musters the strength to open her eyes. I wish I knew more about the afterlife - or even had some beliefs. I think it must help. I want John Edwards to be real. I want to get a message through. Through thinking of the pain of losing my cousins, and the pain that their mother feels, I still can't imagine the magnitude of pain of losing a child.
I lost my child for a little while. I went insane. Literally. But - as I think my mom said - I had the"luxury" to go insane. Manda does not. Aunt Nancy does not. They must soldier on for their other children. Think of the mothers who sent/send soldiers to war. I hope Manda gets some time to go insane for a bit. Reading her writings makes me think she is doing well, but I know better. I know that when Kaiti was gone I felt a physical pain not just an emotional one. I literally ached. I can conjure that same pain and anxiety up now - and I probably will forever. And it was only for 8 days. I guess I didn't know that then. I only knew she was gone and I forgot to tell her so much.
It is somewhat trite (insert better word) but I feel grief for Kaiti still - grief for the loss of our relationship. I miss her and yet she is right here. She is fabulous and awful at the same time. Ohhhhhhh...to know the baby Katie who only had love in her eyes for me...only to coo and smile or even cry for my feedings/attention. Now to know the pain of seeing hatred and fury in her eyes. Perhaps Manda is spared that. Perhaps she would rather have that then what she got.
Bottom line: It sucks and its not fair. None of it.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Dumbass
Apparently this is the 3rd or 4th time I have started a blog - and can't remember my user info so have to start over. I have tried for several days to fix this and can't. And I thought I was smart.
I made a great post about forgiveness. I can't find it. Oh well. I remember that at least I am working on forgiving people.
I tried w/my ex husband. I forgive him - he is just pitiful. I actually spoke to him for the first time in forever. He is just sooooooooo pitiful. What a sad and wasted life. Luckily, he left behind a great kid (well, he is not actually gone yet - but according to him he doesn't have much time -- yeah right.)
I made a great post about forgiveness. I can't find it. Oh well. I remember that at least I am working on forgiving people.
I tried w/my ex husband. I forgive him - he is just pitiful. I actually spoke to him for the first time in forever. He is just sooooooooo pitiful. What a sad and wasted life. Luckily, he left behind a great kid (well, he is not actually gone yet - but according to him he doesn't have much time -- yeah right.)
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